So, I had really high hopes that my last post told the story of the end of C. and I. But it didn’t.
Before I go into his tirade, I do want to clarify a few things. First, I do understand his anger. I betrayed him and, even though I thought I was protecting his feelings, I did lie. However, that was ten months ago. I think one of the stupidest parts about this is that he claims to have just found my blog recently… I guess he doesn’t realize that I can follow his path through my blog and identify every post he’s read and when. He has known for months.
But that is neither here nor there. What I really want to talk about is his characterization of me as the ‘victim’. Anyone who has actually read a good portion of my blog can see that I have never played the victim. I take responsibility for my actions and I am incredibly self-aware. Making the decision to blog about my life was one I made transparently and with fore-knowledge on his part. I told him I wanted to blog about my life and he encouraged me. I blog anonymously, there are no identifiying characteristics shared here, so there is no invasion of his privacy. I am not ‘airing my dirty laundry’. I am looking for support and advice, otherwise known as friendship, something I was severly lacking when I was with C.
Blogging has helped me clarify my thoughts and feelings. I am sorry if my inner turmoil offends some, but there are no lies here. I never hid that I cheated on C., even though I knew there are a few readers who would be absolutely disgusted with me. I never hid that I knew it wasn’t the best decision. But I also said an awful lot of other things that are being completely ignored. I honestly think if C. took the time to read some of my posts from a year ago, he would see that I tried the communication route, several times, and that I never did anything, especially sleep with another man, to deliberately hurt him. That was about me. For once, I made decisions that were all about me.
When I said this is ‘classic C.’ in my last post, I meant that he has managed to take this betrayal and, even though I admitted to it and said that I have not endangered him, make it represent exactly who I am. He is still harping about it. He is still sending me tirades, and insisting I owe him something. Actually, here is the latest one, I will discuss more at the end.
Stop treating my real concerns like a fucking joke, idiot. And “classic C.”? Did I ever once say anything like that to you or anyne during the time you knew me? No. No, I waited until I had every reason in the world to be fucking pissed off and to call out a pathetic coward like yourself. Your blog is full of lies and delusions. And, sadly, I think you may have actually convinced yourself that they’re true. You didn’t support me during my MA btw. Don’t tell people you did. I know, it doesn’t fit your victim role, but my accompolishments had nothing to do with you. And, yeah, I was hoping you were fucking done too. But your little teenage girl drama doesn’t stop, does it? I told you to stop fucking talking about me. I told you you were being petty and childish but you couldn’t help yourself anyway. Just take down the blog and leave me alone forever. Get it now?! You don’t have a right to keep me around in any form. I did, however, have the right to ask these questions, to be fucking pissed, to yell at you for as long as I felt you deserved, and to a better answer than I got.
This blog is about me, and it is for me. It is written from my persepective and about what I want to share. It is my thoughts, feelings and experiences put into words. Anonymously. I will not take down my blog, and I will not censor my words. This isn’t a vendetta, or slander, this is me writing how I feel and what I think. I have not edited or removed any parts of our conversation – other than to fix some typos – and what I wanted to gain from this is not to further his humiliation, after all this blog is not about him. I wanted to gain perspective. I want to hear your opinions and maybe even see my reaction in a different light. And I wanted to give my readers closure.
In no part of any post did I simply attack C. I didn’t share the personal issues he was having with sex, I didn’t share my feelings of betrayal when he turned to masturbating to internet porn featuring me look alikes on my blog, and I didn’t write a single line with the intention of wounding him. Yet he has managed to twist my blog, my feelings, my thoughts and my struggles into a personal insult. Something that is in no way his has suddenly become all about him. He thinks I owe him something, or that human decency dictates I should still care about how he feels. His sense of entitlement is outrageous. He even told me he didn’t care if I posted his words – see “P.S. It Wasn’t the End…” – and now he feels like he is entitled to demand my blog be taken down. Uh… No.
But I really should have seen this coming. After he completed his MA – which I got a full time job to help financially support him through, and did for nine months until my catastrophic back injury… and then after with my workman’s comp benefits – he did get a job three months later. He edited a novel. He was emoployed for roughly three months and we spent the majority of the money on Christmas presents for his family. Then he stayed unemployed until he enrolled in his PhD two years after the completion of his MA. Oh, there was a three week stint of employment during elections. His brother handed him a job he spent hours complaining about. At any time, he could have relieved a huge stress by getting a job anywhere – coffe shop, retail, anything! – but he felt because he had an MA he was entitled to a better job. He refused to work anything that he considered to be beneathe him. It was one of the things I seriously disliked about him. And it showed itself in a mulitude of ways. He would spend hours lecturing anyone around him about anything and everything without pausing long enough for anyone to get a word in edgewise. And nobody really cared what he had to say, you just couldn’t get him to shut up. He felt entitled to your rapt attention regardless of your desire to listen or not.
But I am getting off topic. There is only one more thing I would like to comment on. He said at the end of his message that “I did, however, […] have the right to yell at you for as long as I felt you deserved…” No one has the right to yell at me, or anyone else for that matter, for any reason. And I certainly don’t have to listen to anyone yell at, disrespect, or insult me. I have the right to refuse to listen to his abuse. I also have to right to respond in any way I see fit, say anything I want and do anything I want. Sure, he also has the right to say anything he wants to me, even if it is motivated more by anger for his own actions and shame at his own words than anything I did, but then I have the right to post it to my blog and discuss it. I would like to point out that I even removed the identifying names, I am not here to humiliate him. He did a fine job of that on his own and with his own words.
Luckily, at this point, it seems like he has deleted his Facebook account and that means I shouldn’t hear from him again. Unless he wants to address my posts… Ugh. Please cross your fingers for me and wish that he has enough self respect to refrain from trying to continue this ridiculous thing he has going.
Hopefully, even though I had already done this long ago, C. is now relegated permanently to that shady area of my past where I put things that enduce feelings of “What the hell was I thinking?”.