I am sad to say that I will no longer be blogging at secretworldofs.wordpress.com.
I have waited a week for C.’s interest in my blog to wane, but he has been visiting daily and I am not willing to keep him in my life, even as just a reader. His stalkerish behavior and obvious rage towards me has made me reluctant to continue to provide him with any sort of window into my life or any means to hold on to me.
It saddens me that I am probably going to lose some of my loyal readers, but it is my hope that, as I comment on your blogs under my new name, my friends will follow me on the next part of my journey as you have followed me here. I write here, instead of in my journal, because of all of you. I have met some wonderful people through this blog, people who’s shared experiences have given me strength and new insights into my own issues. Individuals who took time out of their day to read my words and formulate well thought out and caring responses, who read my despair and tried to share it. People who called C. an asshole long before I was willing to see it. 😉
As much as I am upset that C.’s immaturity and self-absorbtion have made it impossible to continue blogging here, leaving this place is rather cathartic in a way. After all, I am no longer living my life in secret. There is no longer any part of myself I am hiding from my significant other. Mr. Wonderful has seen it all, and embraces all of me. I am not ashamed of how I feel or by what I want, sexually or otherwise.
I started this blog as a way to work out feelings and thoughts I couldn’t express out loud. It was a way to work through the guilt, anger and bitterness I felt because of the way C. treated me, my back issues and the iron grip of depression. While I haven’t solved my back issues, and depression is still there on the periphery, getting rid of C. was the best thing I have done for myself in years.
I have always hesitated to lable C. as an abusive partner but I’d be lying if I said this was the first time he verbally threw up all over me. No, C. never hit me, he never even raised a hand to me. But he was manipulative, condescending and insulting. He fought like a crazed person and went for low blows whenever he could. C.’s need for control is astronomical. We used to poke fun at his OCD need to place objects exactly right, but it wasn’t so funny once he started treating me like an object too. In his eyes, I never dealt with anything in the right way, never said the right thing, his depression was my fault, his self worth my responsibility and, of course, his needs were more important and came before my own.
The funny thing is that I know C. is sitting there reading this and thinking “Bullshit!”. Because that is who he is. He won’t absorb what I am saying or take the time to truly think about the way he treated me. He will, almost immediately, begin to create a defense in his head. He can’t handle criticism, he is incapable of seeing any of his actions as inappropriate or wrong. C. is a narcissist of the worst type, he is a self-deprecating narcissist. He simultaneously thinks he is the best man ever, and craves reassurance and doesn’t want to seem pompous, so acts insecure.
If you asked C., I honestly believe he would say that most of the issues in our relationship were my fault. His unemployment for years wasn’t an issue, his preference for internet porn was my fault, after all I weighted 140lbs! His feelings of worthlessness were placed squarely on my shoulders, as a partner I should have made him feel better, even while he made me feel worse, I was supposed to carry him emotionally when I could barely carry myself.
Actually, here is a call out for C. I’d like you to write a blog post. Use your voice to tell everyone exactly how shitty of a girlfriend I was and just how badly I treated you. Create your defense, craft your rebuttal and I promise that I will post it word for word. You’re sitting there stewing anyway, go ahead: Type it up. Show the world how much better you are at expressing yourself than I am. Maybe your post will bring my blog to a new level of intellectualism. You have my email address, I look forward to reading your thoughts.
I know he won’t. C. isn’t capable of dealing with anything directly, especially when he may have to admit he is wrong. This is too much of a direct challenge to the ideal he has of himself for him to take me up on it. Kinda like how he has my phone number but chose to send Facebook messages instead of talking like adults. Plus, I think there may be a small shred of decency in him that is screaming at him that I am right and he should probably let it lie. Or maybe that is wishful thinking from someone who wants to believe she couldn’t have fallen for such a douche.
So this is my farewell, at least for now and from here. Thank you for being here for me, thank you for all your comments and thank you for helping me see that my world shouldn’t be a secret. I am so happy that I have shared it with Mr. Wonderful, I am so happy that I have been able to put some guilt down, and that I have picked up love and confidence in it’s place. My first post from February 12th, 2012 said,
“This blog is all about me. It is my place to express what I want and say what I feel. Many of the people who knew about my other blog knew me, so I couldn’t be totally open. With this blog I am no one in particular.”
And on the ‘About Me’ page,
“Hopefully, dear reader, you will see me transition from a dependent and depressed woman into the person I can be. I will have bad days, […] I can’t limit myself to remaining positive when there is so much negative in me. Showing you only one side of me is painting an incomplete picture.”
I like to think that you have watched me transition into the woman I can be. The transition is ongoing, but I am proud of the direction I have traveled, and how far I have come. C. can’t take that away from me. No one can.
I look forward to sharing the next chapter of my story with you. Unless C. writes a post for all of you, this is the end.
As always, thanks for reading! – S.