Here is a post I wrote in February 2012. I am reblogging it to give some context to my last post. I expressed all this to him at the time and in the months following. Yes, I should have left him then, but I thought if I just tried harder and my back got better we could be okay. Live and learn, right? This is a really good reflection of a lot of the issues eroding our relationship and my self confidence, but sadly not nearly all of them.
There are people who don’t celebrate Valentines day and are completely okay with it. I respect that, but it doesn’t apply to me, I love celebrating Valentine’s Day! I love that there is a day devoted to love. I feel like it is an opportunity to express how much those you love mean to you. I am not talking about physical manifestations of love, like chocolates and flowers, rather it is the little thoughtful acts and notes that tend to happen around Valentine’s Day that really make the day worth celebrating. However, I also think that thoughtfulness should be an inherent part of a relationship, Valentine’s Day just affords couples a time to appreciate and express their love for each other.
Ideally, that is!
That didn’t happen for me this year. Financially speaking, we had no money to do anything spectacular but I still managed to buy him a card and some candy. He did nothing for me. No card, no dinner, nothing other than a half assed “Happy Valentine’s Day.” He acknowledge the day so he can’t even say he forgot. Needless to say, this hurt my feelings quite a bit. Not because I wanted or expected some extravagant display, but because I wasn’t important enough to warrant the time it takes to make a card or write a note.
I guess I took it so hard because it is the latest disappointment in a long line of them. Case in point, I have been injured for close to two years and have been living off benefits for the whole time. He finished school in August 2010 and still has no job. He has worked maybe a total of three months since he graduated. I am supporting the two of us off of BENEFITS! Not even my whole salary. At first I didn’t mind. I took a full-time position knowing that he was going to school and I was ok with making things a little easier for both of us while he pursued his post-grad degree., but that agreement ended eighteen months ago.
I feel like I am being used. At this point I am out of the house six days a week going to work, physiotherapy and my psychologist. The resentment is building and I am not sure what to do about it. It irks me when I leave the house at 10AM and return after 2pm and he is sitting in exactly the same position doing pretty much exactly the same thing. He doesn’t even clean the apartment more than I do. In fact just recently we got into a fight about changing the kitchen garbage. I won’t do it because I don’t know how heavy it is and I don’t want to re-injure myself and he threw that in my face when I mentioned him getting a job. For some reason he seems to think that scouring the internet is going to get him a job. He has been doing that for months with nothing. I have tried to convince him to go out with paper resumes and get any part-time position he can, but he hasn’t.
I am so frustrated with financial struggles, especially when I make good money. I pay all the bills and the rent, I buy all the groceries and, as Valentine’s Day showed, I also have to buy myself presents if I want anything from him. Christmas was pretty much the same. I gave him a list three weeks before Christmas and he waited until the day before we left for his parents to start shopping, and consequently didn’t have anything but socks for me. So I gave him some things so he could wrap things I bought for myself. (We were spending Christmas at his parents and didn’t want to cause any stress. His parents are as fed up with him as I am, as it is to them we have to turn when we are cleaned out. Which happens at the end of every month because my end of the month check covers rent with $40 to spare, which is not enough to get bus tickets, let alone groceries.)
The saddest part is that I would be better off financially without him. Maybe emotionally as well, as he causes a lot of stress and guilt that I don’t deserve. My psychologist told me a couple of sessions ago that I am enabling his immature behavior and that, while I don’t want to hurt him by ending the relationship, I am hurting him by not forcing him to take responsibility for his choices by keeping the internet and phone on, paying for hydro and keeping a roof over his head. He has to suffer a bit to be able to help himself.
There are other issues as well, but I sincerely believe that if he could get a job it would remedy this funk he has fallen into and consequently help with some of our issues. I also believe that if he would just man up and start taking responsibility for himself that this relationship can survive, we would still have to work through a lot of other issues, but at least it would feel like he was trying and not taking me for granted. However, on the flip side, I don’t know how much longer I can handle living like this. I don’t know how much longer I can have someone in my life who acts more like a roommate who doesn’t pay any bills than a boyfriend, especially when I want it to be the reverse.
Thanks for making it to the end! Any advice for one who is just about at the end of her rope?
xo – S.
As always, thanks for reading! – S.