Re-Blog of One Year Ago

Here is a post I wrote in February 2012. I am reblogging it to give some context to my last post. I expressed all this to him at the time and in the months following. Yes, I should have left him then, but I thought if I just tried harder and my back got better we could be okay. Live and learn, right? This is a really good reflection of a lot of the issues eroding our relationship and my self confidence, but sadly not nearly all of them.
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Flying By The Seat Of My Pants

An awful lot has occurred in my life since my last post. I broke up with C., moved into my parents basement and have continued to see Mr. Wonderful. I haven’t been writing much, for the first time in a long time I am trying not to think as much… Flying by the seat of my pants, if you will.

I haven’t examined my feelings very closely, especially in relation to leaving C. and starting over again. Or about moving home after ten years of living on my own. Or about beginning a fairly serious relationship with a man that I fell head over heels in love with. In fact, I have been listening to my gut, not to my neurotic thoughts, and as a result I am happier than I have been in recent memory.

Over the last three months I have also worked off all pain meds. I was on Fentanyl 100mcg patches for two years and within a couple of months of deciding to get off, I have completely kicked the habit. I do take Percocet at night, to deal with the pain and the withdrawal symptoms, but one Percocet is still a million times better than being cotton headed and slow moving all. the. time. when I am on fentanyl. I suppose this also means my pain level is diminishing. Unfortunately, without pain meds, I am in a ton of pain but it should dissipate as my nervous system readjusts to being free of opioids. I don’t see the surgeon until the 28th of this month, and my fingers are crossed that there is some discernable bone growth.

I have a return to work tentatively scheduled for the middle of June, depending on what the surgeon says of course. I am apprehensive about pushing myself too hard, but I am also excited to be looking at this recovery in the review mirror. I just want it to be over and to be able to make plans and follow through on them. I am ready to go jogging again, strap on my rollerblades and play Frisbee. I want to jump rope and skip, do a handstand and a cartwheel. All small things, but things I miss and that feel impossible right now.

hopelong

While knocking on wood really hard, I think I might be able to say I am heading in a direction that I am comfortable with. There are issues, there are problems, but overall I have found contentment out of my darkest night.

As always, thanks for reading.
Best,
    – S.

Coming Alive

I have been working on this post for days. First while I was in my hometown again, then on the train back here and over the last couple days of being back in the city with C. too. Forgive me if it reads a bit bipolar-esque. I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions the last little bit, and I don’t see it ending any time soon.

So I left you, my dear readers, with some rather depressed thoughts… At the beginning of March, when I went back to where I live with C. after my time with Mr. Wonderful, I mourned. It was more than just letting go of his wonderfulness though, I crashed. Not just coming-down-off-of-the-high-of-someone-wanting-me crash either, I mean I crashed and burned. Within a week of returning to the city, I had come back to my home town with no thought as to why I was doing it or what I would do once here, I just couldn’t stay there anymore. I was dying everyday. That was about two three weeks ago. I had made it about six days with C. and I left again to come home to my parents. In the last month I have spent a total of six days in the apartment with C. That is until I came back on Monday.

I’ll admit it, I was a coward when I left. I didn’t have plans or even a solid thought about what it means for me that I can’t stand living in this city, or, if I am honest, with him. While I was in my home town at my parents, I showered everyday, put a bit of makeup on, did something more with my hair than throwing it back and generally took better care of myself. In the six days I was back with C. I showered once, slept through four days and generally let everything go. I crashed and burned with C. and now I am heading back there here again.

I am on the train speeding away from Mr. Wonderful and back to the city I abhor. About a week ago I broke up with C. over the phone. The next day he convinced me to try once more, although ‘convince to try’ might be a bit of a stretch…  To be honest I really just don’t want him to lose his credits or GPA this semester because I broke up with him at the most in opportune time. So I am going to stay for one more month. Or that’s the plan.

Right now I am feeling pretty raw. I feel like I am making the wrong decision. My intuition is screaming at me to not wait. I feel incomplete, like I am only half myself here, and I am sure about a decision that kills me to make but I still have to wait to make it. But do I have to wait? Really?

I titled this post ‘coming alive’ because that is what I have done in the last month with Mr. Wonderful. He is complicated, challenging and loving. He makes me try, yet gives unconditionally; makes me want to strive to be better, but fell in love with imperfect, messed up and neurotic me. I didn’t try to impress him and he was impressed, I didn’t try to love him or make him love me, but he does and I do. It’s one of the most messed up but simple relationships I have ever had. Being with him is easy, making him smile comes innately to me and I practically glow with happiness when I think about him. But now he is four hundred kilometers away.

I sound like I am a naive teenager in love for the first time. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have challenged this idea, Mr. Wonderful and I, from every angle I can think of. I have asked myself the hard questions necessary to clarify what I want from him and what I want him to want from me. And I am rather cognizant of the fact we are still honeymooning and can’t get enough of each other physically, that there are neuro-chemicals flooding my brain and synapses firing that haven’t been stimulated in years. I have asked myself if I have fallen so hard and fast because he said nice things to me – that is do I feel this way now because he treated me well or is it love? Every rational fiber of my being wants to ignore what the emotional side already knows. I love him, irrevocably and without reservation or conditions. I love him.

And I’m starting to believe he really loves me. I know he finds me attractive, he tells  me several times a day, and I know he likes spending time with me. Hell, I even know he cares about me but I have come to mistrust the stirrings of love. Love has failed me over and over. I have given so much of myself and ended up being someone I despise to make another person happy… No, it didn’t work. It’s different with Mr. Wonderful. He is bringing me back to myself rather than wanting me to be different.

Anyway, now that I am back in the city with C. and made the decision to stay I feel like I am starting to wilt again. I don’t know if I can stay for as long as I should. I don’t know if I can ignore myself and my needs for much longer. I’m miserable here and now I know that I don’t have to be. Not because of Mr. Wonderful, regardless of what happens with us I know that happiness is something I can experience and it is awfully hard to let it go once you find it. It’s hard to be numb when you have happy memories.