Signing Off… Saying Goodbye and Recognizing Progress

Hey there,

I am sad to say that I will no longer be blogging at secretworldofs.wordpress.com. Continue reading

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Re-Blog of One Year Ago

Here is a post I wrote in February 2012. I am reblogging it to give some context to my last post. I expressed all this to him at the time and in the months following. Yes, I should have left him then, but I thought if I just tried harder and my back got better we could be okay. Live and learn, right? This is a really good reflection of a lot of the issues eroding our relationship and my self confidence, but sadly not nearly all of them.
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The Green Eyed Crazy Girl

I have had some unwelcome company lately, someone I did’t even know was well aquainted with me until they were practically living inside me. You see, when we get together, all hell breaks loose, so I try to stay away. My vivd and overactive imagination kicks it into overdrive and the crazy girl aspect of my personality I hide so well suddenly makes her presence known. Who is my visitor? – No, not my monthly visitor, although she wreaks her own havoc. My current visitor is worse! – I’ll give you a hint, she is green, oh-so-green. Still guessing? Didn’t think so, I knew my readers were smart.
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Coming Alive

I have been working on this post for days. First while I was in my hometown again, then on the train back here and over the last couple days of being back in the city with C. too. Forgive me if it reads a bit bipolar-esque. I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions the last little bit, and I don’t see it ending any time soon.

So I left you, my dear readers, with some rather depressed thoughts… At the beginning of March, when I went back to where I live with C. after my time with Mr. Wonderful, I mourned. It was more than just letting go of his wonderfulness though, I crashed. Not just coming-down-off-of-the-high-of-someone-wanting-me crash either, I mean I crashed and burned. Within a week of returning to the city, I had come back to my home town with no thought as to why I was doing it or what I would do once here, I just couldn’t stay there anymore. I was dying everyday. That was about two three weeks ago. I had made it about six days with C. and I left again to come home to my parents. In the last month I have spent a total of six days in the apartment with C. That is until I came back on Monday.

I’ll admit it, I was a coward when I left. I didn’t have plans or even a solid thought about what it means for me that I can’t stand living in this city, or, if I am honest, with him. While I was in my home town at my parents, I showered everyday, put a bit of makeup on, did something more with my hair than throwing it back and generally took better care of myself. In the six days I was back with C. I showered once, slept through four days and generally let everything go. I crashed and burned with C. and now I am heading back there here again.

I am on the train speeding away from Mr. Wonderful and back to the city I abhor. About a week ago I broke up with C. over the phone. The next day he convinced me to try once more, although ‘convince to try’ might be a bit of a stretch…  To be honest I really just don’t want him to lose his credits or GPA this semester because I broke up with him at the most in opportune time. So I am going to stay for one more month. Or that’s the plan.

Right now I am feeling pretty raw. I feel like I am making the wrong decision. My intuition is screaming at me to not wait. I feel incomplete, like I am only half myself here, and I am sure about a decision that kills me to make but I still have to wait to make it. But do I have to wait? Really?

I titled this post ‘coming alive’ because that is what I have done in the last month with Mr. Wonderful. He is complicated, challenging and loving. He makes me try, yet gives unconditionally; makes me want to strive to be better, but fell in love with imperfect, messed up and neurotic me. I didn’t try to impress him and he was impressed, I didn’t try to love him or make him love me, but he does and I do. It’s one of the most messed up but simple relationships I have ever had. Being with him is easy, making him smile comes innately to me and I practically glow with happiness when I think about him. But now he is four hundred kilometers away.

I sound like I am a naive teenager in love for the first time. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have challenged this idea, Mr. Wonderful and I, from every angle I can think of. I have asked myself the hard questions necessary to clarify what I want from him and what I want him to want from me. And I am rather cognizant of the fact we are still honeymooning and can’t get enough of each other physically, that there are neuro-chemicals flooding my brain and synapses firing that haven’t been stimulated in years. I have asked myself if I have fallen so hard and fast because he said nice things to me – that is do I feel this way now because he treated me well or is it love? Every rational fiber of my being wants to ignore what the emotional side already knows. I love him, irrevocably and without reservation or conditions. I love him.

And I’m starting to believe he really loves me. I know he finds me attractive, he tells  me several times a day, and I know he likes spending time with me. Hell, I even know he cares about me but I have come to mistrust the stirrings of love. Love has failed me over and over. I have given so much of myself and ended up being someone I despise to make another person happy… No, it didn’t work. It’s different with Mr. Wonderful. He is bringing me back to myself rather than wanting me to be different.

Anyway, now that I am back in the city with C. and made the decision to stay I feel like I am starting to wilt again. I don’t know if I can stay for as long as I should. I don’t know if I can ignore myself and my needs for much longer. I’m miserable here and now I know that I don’t have to be. Not because of Mr. Wonderful, regardless of what happens with us I know that happiness is something I can experience and it is awfully hard to let it go once you find it. It’s hard to be numb when you have happy memories.

 

First Crush – NaBloPoMo Day 2

Monday, February 04, 2013

  • Tell us about your first crush.

My first crush was a boy I met when I moved to a small town I stayed in for ten years from the fourth grade until I graduated high school. BlueEyes eyewas the boy that sat across from me in my fourth grade class. Beyond his obvious blue eyes he had black hair and pale clear skin. And his eyes… They were ice blue.

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Unworthy

unworthy
un·wor·thy/ˌənˈwərT͟Hē/

adj.

1. Not deserving effort, attention or respect.
2. (of a person’s action or behaviour) Not acceptable, esp. by society.

 

wor-thy /’wərT͟Hē/

adj -thier, –thiest
1. (postpositive; often followed by of or an infinitive) having sufficient merit or value (for something or someone specified); deserving effort, attention and/or respect
2. having worth, value, or merit
n pl
thies
Often facetious a person of distinguished character, merit, or importance
(Interesting that worthy has a negative and positive connotation. It is especially interesting that it is only after the personification of the adjective that it is used in a negative light. My focus is on the former.)

Worthy is such a small word with an infinite number of connotations, applications and real life effects. Think about how many things are described using, or deriving from, the word worthy.

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Body & Soul Renewal–Day Five

Discuss what is important in terms of a significant relationship.

loveFirst some background: This question comes from my inability to define what I want and need in a romantic relationship. I am in a four year long one right now but it feels incomplete and I can’t put my finger on what is lacking as I don’t really know what I need from my significant other.  After reading others responses I think I might be approaching this from the wrong angle. I am setting romantic relationships in a separate category when it belongs with the rest of my relationships. Maybe there is something in me that needs to be fixed before I can have a significant relationship that is happy and healthy. Maybe some of the issues I blame on C. are not solely his issues. Don’t get me wrong, I am not letting him off the hook for the last couple of years, he has some big things to make up to me, but maybe I need too much in my broken state. Maybe I put too much pressure on my significant relationships because I am lacking in other relationship areas? Continue reading