The Green Eyed Crazy Girl

I have had some unwelcome company lately, someone I did’t even know was well aquainted with me until they were practically living inside me. You see, when we get together, all hell breaks loose, so I try to stay away. My vivd and overactive imagination kicks it into overdrive and the crazy girl aspect of my personality I hide so well suddenly makes her presence known. Who is my visitor? – No, not my monthly visitor, although she wreaks her own havoc. My current visitor is worse! – I’ll give you a hint, she is green, oh-so-green. Still guessing? Didn’t think so, I knew my readers were smart.
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Chronic Pain is Just a Part of My Life

Self-worth, stamina, normalcy, parenting, fitness, finances, independence…

I sit in the the tiny classroom staring through tears at the white board with the words ‘What Has Chronic Pain Taken From You?’ written in black at the top. Green, red and blue words commingle in a kaleidescope of broken dreams, filling the board and causing my head to ache.
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Wonderings

The last post I wrote about, and aptly entitled, Mr. Wonderful was exactly six months ago. Its amazing how much has changed… And how much has stayed the same. I am still so in love with him, so completely utterly in love. There is no doubt there, and there is no doubt about how much Mr. Wonderful loves me either. Continue reading

Mothers & Daughters

I will never have the relationship with my mom that I crave. On the other hand, I don’t think I will ever be the daughter my mother wants. So maybe, at its root, it is an issue within me.
My mom and I are different creatures. Her life has been the model of what I don’t want for mine. That sounds harsh, but let me explain before your cast judgment.
My mom married my dad, at the time he was a new recruit in the air force, when she was eighteen for five days and spent the next ten years moving around while my dad got various promotions. She went right from her mother’s house to my dad’s care and finished her last year of high school married to him. Her first time on her own, my dad left for two weeks to train for his position as an air traffic controller, she had a nervous break down and was hospitalized for ten days. Since then she hasn’t spent more than a day or two alone.
She has never worked outside the home, and while I completely appreciate that I had a loving stay at home mom, I haven’t lived at home for over 10 years.
My mom has lived an emotionally stunted life. She has the mentality and attitude of a ten year old child. I wish I could help her, I am pretty sire she is a rapid cycling bipolar with depression but she will never get help.
Its hard when you realize that not only are your parents fallible beings, but sometimes they don’t know what’s best for them.
As much as I long for a more open, adult relationship with my mom, I will never have it. I can’t help her unless she helps herself but she is unwilling to do that. So all I can do is love her. And put up with her stupid shit without allowing myself to feel guilty for moving out, growing up and having my own life.

As always, thanks for reading!
– S.

Small Deaths

Most women, for most of their lives, go through a monthly cycle of changing hormones, physical and psychological fluctuations and emotional upheavals. Over the course of twenty eight days our bodies prep for pregnancy, creating the perfect environment to foster a new little person. It is only when our womb remains empty that the cycle ends and we shed our useless uterine walls and the bleeding begins.
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Daddy?

I am lucky enough to have one of those ‘daddy men’ in my life. I know how lucky I am and thank the stars everyday for bringing us into each others lives. We are so much more together than we ever could be apart.

What are your thoughts on being a father vs a daddy? Is it enough to throw money at children? Is paying child support on time the hallmark of a good father, or daddy?