I have been working on this post for days. First while I was in my hometown again, then on the train back here and over the last couple days of being back in the city with C. too. Forgive me if it reads a bit bipolar-esque. I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions the last little bit, and I don’t see it ending any time soon.
So I left you, my dear readers, with some rather depressed thoughts… At the beginning of March, when I went back to where I live with C. after my time with Mr. Wonderful, I mourned. It was more than just letting go of his wonderfulness though, I crashed. Not just coming-down-off-of-the-high-of-someone-wanting-me crash either, I mean I crashed and burned. Within a week of returning to the city, I had come back to my home town with no thought as to why I was doing it or what I would do once here, I just couldn’t stay there anymore. I was dying everyday. That was about
two three weeks ago. I had made it about six days with C. and I left again to come home to my parents. In the last month I have spent a total of six days in the apartment with C. That is until I came back on Monday.
I’ll admit it, I was a coward when I left. I didn’t have plans or even a solid thought about what it means for me that I can’t stand living in this city, or, if I am honest, with him. While I was in my home town at my parents, I showered everyday, put a bit of makeup on, did something more with my hair than throwing it back and generally took better care of myself. In the six days I was back with C. I showered once, slept through four days and generally let everything go. I crashed and burned with C. and now I am
heading back there here again.
I am on the train speeding away from Mr. Wonderful and back to the city I abhor. About a week ago I broke up with C. over the phone. The next day he convinced me to try once more, although ‘convince to try’ might be a bit of a stretch… To be honest I really just don’t want him to lose his credits or GPA this semester because I broke up with him at the most in opportune time. So I am going to stay for one more month. Or that’s the plan.
Right now I am feeling pretty raw. I feel like I am making the wrong decision. My intuition is screaming at me to not wait. I feel incomplete, like I am only half myself here, and I am sure about a decision that kills me to make but I still have to wait to make it. But do I have to wait? Really?
I titled this post ‘coming alive’ because that is what I have done in the last month with Mr. Wonderful. He is complicated, challenging and loving. He makes me try, yet gives unconditionally; makes me want to strive to be better, but fell in love with imperfect, messed up and neurotic me. I didn’t try to impress him and he was impressed, I didn’t try to love him or make him love me, but he does and I do. It’s one of the most messed up but simple relationships I have ever had. Being with him is easy, making him smile comes innately to me and I practically glow with happiness when I think about him. But now he is four hundred kilometers away.
I sound like I am a naive teenager in love for the first time. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have challenged this idea, Mr. Wonderful and I, from every angle I can think of. I have asked myself the hard questions necessary to clarify what I want from him and what I want him to want from me. And I am rather cognizant of the fact we are still honeymooning and can’t get enough of each other physically, that there are neuro-chemicals flooding my brain and synapses firing that haven’t been stimulated in years. I have asked myself if I have fallen so hard and fast because he said nice things to me – that is do I feel this way now because he treated me well or is it love? Every rational fiber of my being wants to ignore what the emotional side already knows. I love him, irrevocably and without reservation or conditions. I love him.
And I’m starting to believe he really loves me. I know he finds me attractive, he tells me several times a day, and I know he likes spending time with me. Hell, I even know he cares about me but I have come to mistrust the stirrings of love. Love has failed me over and over. I have given so much of myself and ended up being someone I despise to make another person happy… No, it didn’t work. It’s different with Mr. Wonderful. He is bringing me back to myself rather than wanting me to be different.
Anyway, now that I am back in the city with C. and made the decision to stay I feel like I am starting to wilt again. I don’t know if I can stay for as long as I should. I don’t know if I can ignore myself and my needs for much longer. I’m miserable here and now I know that I don’t have to be. Not because of Mr. Wonderful, regardless of what happens with us I know that happiness is something I can experience and it is awfully hard to let it go once you find it. It’s hard to be numb when you have happy memories.