I have had some unwelcome company lately, someone I did’t even know was well aquainted with me until they were practically living inside me. You see, when we get together, all hell breaks loose, so I try to stay away. My vivd and overactive imagination kicks it into overdrive and the crazy girl aspect of my personality I hide so well suddenly makes her presence known. Who is my visitor? – No, not my monthly visitor, although she wreaks her own havoc. My current visitor is worse! – I’ll give you a hint, she is green, oh-so-green. Still guessing? Didn’t think so, I knew my readers were smart.
You’re right, Madame Jelousy has taken up residence in my head and despite my best efforts she is resisting eviction like NYC cockroaches resist poison.
Isn’t it interesting that, while I can name the destructive emotion and rationalize why I feel that way, I am useless when it comes to erradicating the jealousy? The worst part is I totally trust Mr. Wonderful so the jealousy thing is really insipid and unneccesary. And it is hurting him, and us, our ease and total comfort.
For some reason, although jealousy has never really been an issue for me in the past, Mr. Wonderful brings it out in droves. I guess part of it is that Mr. Wonderful is the most sexually experienced man I have slept with, so I know he can get a new partner if he wanted. Another large part is that we have both cheated on our significant others. Albeit, we have talked the subjet to death and agree it would take a drastic change from the bliss we share now to cause either of us to jeopardize the perfection we have found by cheating, he still could. If I am honest with myself, I don’t think he would because I belive the look in his eye. And yet, Madame Jealousy?
She is the third wheel in our relationship and she has let herself go. She is running rampant destroying all the newly found, fragile confidence Mr. Wonderful helped build in me. She used to be a petite and slender woman with seductive green eyes, a sassy sexy addition to me that showed the one I love he is mine, but she has become a raging obese woman barely capable of expressing her rage, let alone her love. Okay, bad imagery… But you get what I am saying, right? I have gone all she-Hulk and I don’t know how to contain it!! Bruce Banner, where are you??
Okay, enough with the melodrama.
In all seriousness, I do have a sudden problem with jealousy eating away at me and my confidence. As I have felt myself slip back into a slight depression – nothing close to where I was a year ago, but I still feel… Laggy(?) lately – I have felt the newfound confidence being with Mr. Wonderful gave me slip away and be replaced by self-doubt and, I am ashamed to say, depressive mechanisms by the dozens. (Well, of course he is cheating on me, have I even looked in the mirror today? When was the last time I made him dinner? He has to feel trapped by me and my baggage, he is probably just lying to me about loving me because I am convenient for now. Nothing ever works out in my favour, this is too good to be true anyway, so I won’t be surprised when he leaves me. And on and on and on…)
While I have had a passive jealousy – perhaps even a healthy level as jealousy is supposedly motivate by fear of loss, and of course I fear losing Mr. Wonderful – since the beginning of our relationship, it turned rather active in the last couple of weeks making me feel absolutely horrible. It is kind of my fault, but also a huge oversight on Mr. Wonderful’s part, that has fostered my jealousy to a state of active worry I had yet to experience. I suppose I should start this story from the beginning…
One night, in the dark hours of the morning, Mr. Wonderful was finally breathing peacefully beside me. It was the first night after we dropped Wonderkid back off at his mom’s for her week of custody and we were both exhausted. Mr. Wonderful had had a hard time falling asleep and was tossing and turning while I read – I am still a horrible insomniac as pain prevents me from sleeping more than two to three hours at a time – and he had finally settled into a deep and peaceful repose. I knew he didn’t work in the morning but I also knew he had his alarm still set from getting WonderKid off to school that morning. So I took his phone off the floor and proceeded to scroll to his alarm. And then something caught my attention.
Now this is the point where I let crazy girl out just a bit. Yes, I know it was somewhat of an invasion of privacy but what is done is done…
There is an app we downloaded together a few months back called SnapChat that basically allows you to take a photo and share it with someone for a specified amount of time and then the photo is gone. We used it for, uhm, adult purposes for the most part and even made fun of the fact that it is the app created for sexting and cheating. So when I was scrolling through his phone to get to his alarm and noticed he had five new ‘snaps’, my curiosity got the best of me. I didn’t send him these snaps, so who did?
I opened his account and saw that MT had sent him five snaps in three days.
My heart dropped. Fairly, or not, when I saw he was snapchatting with a woman I didn’t know and hadn’t been told anything about, I immediately suspected the worst. But I hate it when I do that so for days I tried to surpress my suspicions, telling myself over and over that it can’t be what I think it is. He can’t be cheating on me. Why would he?
On cue, the little devil voice piped up with, “Well, you are broken…” I punched that little prick in the face, but the accusation remained. Being with me is complicated. Maybe I misjudged his happiness and after ten months he had decided that I am not worth the effort or trouble? I mentally flip flopped for days between, ‘well of couse he is cheating, look at yourself’ and ‘he loves you so much, you know that he isn’t cheating on you’ until I had tears leaking out of my eyes whenever I had a few moments to myself to anylize my oh-so-hurt feelings. I felt betrayed.
It wasn’t that he was talking to another woman that bothered me so much, really Mr. Wonderful can be friends and communicate with anyone he wants. I am fairly secure in my conviction that he wants me. It was that he concealed his interaction with this new girl. I thought we talked about everything but we don’t really. That surprised, and hurt, me. Around the same time I discovered what a SnapChat score was and saw that Mr. Wonderful’s was over 280 while mine rested at a lowly 125. He had been sending her snaps for a while… Months even, more than a hunred.
Now the day after I discovered the snaps, I asked him what was going on with MT and him. He closed up, said he didn’t want to talk about it and was annoyed I asked at all. This made me even more suspicious. We talk about everything, he has never said I don’t want to talk about it to me before. Needless to say the next few days were spent… torturing myself. What could he be sending her? What kind of pictures is she sending him? Does he have a crush on her? Is she funnier than me? Prettier? Smarter? Younger? In all fairness, when I asked him it came out like I was terrified of the answer. He took exception to the fact that he thought I had already made up my mind that he had to of cheated and that was it.
He was wrong though. I was terrified, but terrified of what my having to ask said about me as a partner and lover. I struggled with the trust vs privacy thing valiantly. In the end, I decided that even if he took offense to it, I had to try to explain where my train of thought came from. I had to talk about it with him, my mind was creating a rather dire situation.
Up to this point, I was rather convinced it was all my fault, I had invaded his privacy, I had made assumptions and guesses and it was my feelings hurt, with very little action from Mr. Wonderful. But then I realized, why is he hiding it? If there is no thing to hide, why conceal it?
After a week of stewing, eventually I took the cowards way out and wrote him a letter. I explained I wasn’t upset he had started a friendship with someone, but that I was upset that it felt like he was deliberately hiding it from me. I said I didn’t understand why he would hide a friendship and asked if he had a crush on her, sent her dirty pics or if it is completely platonic. I also asked why he was hiding it if it wasn’t something he needed to hide from me. I asked if this was a I-need-something-for-myself-cause-I-feel-smothered thing and if he wanted some space.
In the end, he says he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to deal with my jealousy. He admitted that it was probably a stupid decision to hide something I had no reason to be jealous about to prevent my jealousy because it just makes it look like there is something there to hide. We talked about all of it, my feelings, his stupid decisions and how they affected my innate trust in him. – With Mr. Wonderful and I, there was no earning each others trust, we gave it to each other implicitly and ended up more vulnerable and happy than ever before. – However, because he hid this, because he was able to, it has left me feeling uneasy. What else can he conceal?
I expressed point blank, that because he hid something innocent and I called him on it – and told him he can never do it again without serious side effects to our relationship – if I find out he is a hiding a relationship again, whether it is platonic or not, he isn’t going to be able to convince me he doesn’t have something he feels guilty about to hide. This was that one innocent, motivated by love screw up he gets when it comes to trust and cheating. These are issues for both of us and we both need to respect that.
I guess that was part of it too. (Bear with me, I am just working this out and it sounds a bit crazy.) I respect that he has issues with trust and cheating. We have both been cheated on by, and cheated on, significant others so we are both very aware of how it happens and that anyone is capable given the right set of circumstances. – For both of us, if we can cheat the relationship is over and should be ended. – So we both know only too well that it happens. We bear the scars to this day, and the wounds open up again at inappropriate times resulting in terrible insecurity. We are both good at allaying each others fears and we accept that it is part of our relationship that will get better with age. That is, the longer we are together the more we will accept that we both feel the same way about each other and our relationship.
So it hit me a bit harder when he deliberately did something that would cause me to feel insecure. He apologized profusely, and I think he understands the difference between being upest that he was talking to her and that he kept it from me. I also think we strengthened part of our relationship that had yet to be tested – our ability to communicate through hurt feelings – and came out better for it.
So, the green eyed Madame Jealousy has been appeased and has retreated to her docile, domesticated self. In otherwords, she’s back on her meds – trustrythromicin and loveicillian – and able to hear rational thoughts again. I feel more like myself and there is that blissful happiness, the awe at how perfect we are for each other, and the intense feelings of intimacy at the heart of our relationship still.
Gosh, I love him. So completely, so much more than I thought I ever would love anyone. He is beautiful inside and out and every single day, he reminds me why I call him Mr. Wonderful.
So, please tell me, do you think I have been too harsh? Do I have a right to be upset when it was really me that invaded his privacy in the first place? Do you think the act of concealing a relationship is grounds for hurt feelings and questions about trust? Any comments would be so appreciated!
As always, thanks for reading!
P.S. I am starting a new blog that will tell the story of Mr. Wonderful and I – aptly entitled My Life With Mr. Wonderful. It is not quite up and running yet, but I look forward to sharing a lighter, happier side of myself with you when it is. Keep your eyes peeled for the ‘Going Live’ post I will put here when it’s up. Be forewarned, the stories I will tell are not for easily offended eyes.
As always, thanks for reading! – S.