Small Deaths

Most women, for most of their lives, go through a monthly cycle of changing hormones, physical and psychological fluctuations and emotional upheavals. Over the course of twenty eight days our bodies prep for pregnancy, creating the perfect environment to foster a new little person. It is only when our womb remains empty that the cycle ends and we shed our useless uterine walls and the bleeding begins.

I was a late bloomer when it came to pretty much everything – my period didn’t come until I was fifteen and I still have hardly any boob. So when my first period came I was ecstatic. Finally! I was a woman. The shine of having my period wore off quickly however. From the beginning, my periods would last seven to ten days and be accompanied by horrendous cramps and dizziness. So, very early after reaching womanhood, I went on birth control and pretty much forgot about my fertility for ten years.

I used to rejoice when my period came. It meant I wasn’t pregnant and I have never felt like pregnancy was a viable option for me – I didn’t want to raise a child I wasn’t ready to have – and I have never been ready until now.

I am not sure when it happened but somewhere along the way I started thinking of children in a different way. It has always been not now, I am not ready and a thousand other excuses, but suddenly all those reasons have dried up. I still rejoice at my period but it is only after I think about it.

My initial reaction is sadness.

Every month my period is a small death. Every time I look down and see the blood tinged water I want to cry. Every time I feel the telltale ache in my lower belly and the stabbing pains in my ovaries I grieve just a little. Its another wasted opportunity, a missed chance. Another cycle I let pass me by.

It’s unsettling that even though I am not ready to have a child financially, or maybe even medically with my back and all, I still want one with all my heart, and I want Mr. Wonderful to be the father of my children.
We have talked about kids and marriage more extensively than I ever have before.

And we both want both.

What prompted my epiphany? How did I make the unconscious transition from wanting a child someday to wanting a child right now? When did I start wanting to be a mom with all that entails?

Well… What got me seriously thinking about it was a scary incident that happened last week. The day after my period started I got out of bed and gushed blood down my leg, leaving a pool on the floor. (Sorry, there’s no demure way to say that.) Obviously, as this was totally out of place for my regular periods, I freaked. I called a nurse friend to inquire if I should be worried, and she told me to see my doctor if I could get in. Long story short, I learned something new about pregnancy…

Apparently before you are actually pregnant, before you miss your period, you can have what’s referred to as a chemical miscarriage. Basically, I was pregnant, I fertilized an egg, but it didn’t attach to the uterine wall.

Now I have been sexually active for uh… let’s just say more than a decade, and I have never had a pregnancy scare. And, although I am totally aware this could not have been anything like knowing you are pregnant and losing the child, it still affected me.

I guess I didn’t realize just how much I want a baby, how much I want to be a Mom, until I realized I could in fact get pregnant.

I will not rush, however. Nonetheless, it is a testament to just how far I have come that I feel capable not only of taking care of myself, Mr. Wonderful and WonderKid but a baby too. I feel like I am in a better place now than ever before. I feel more support from Mr. Wonderful than I knew I could have while still maintaining my independence. I feel at peace with where I am and who I am with. I am not happy all the time but I am happy some of the time. I am content more than not and I have the ability to find small happinesses every day.
Even with being great where I am, I still long to be a mom. Every month when my period come it still feels like I let something slip away… It’s a small death.


2 thoughts on “Small Deaths

  1. Caroline says:

    wow – you’ve come a long way in a very short space of time. You now see your future as a positive with the right man in your life, being the man he is designed to be. Protecting you and supporting you.

    Your body is still healing and maybe it decided it wasn’t ready quite yet to take on the business of pregnancy. But it is healing and it will know when it’s ready. So my advice to you is to listen to your body, listen to your heart.
    Your head will give you the negative stuff – your heart will give you the truth.

    You can call it a small death – true. You could also call it a test run – your body testing out the possibilities.

    Focus on the wonder you are going through and your body will heal all the faster.

    Well done you

    • S. says:

      Hi Caroline!
      Thank you so so much. That means the world comjg from you. You’re right, my back is no where near healed but my heart…. That’s another matter.
      All my love,
      Xo – S.

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