In the last three months my life has changed more than I thought it would in a year. I have left a five year long relationship, exchanged a major city for my small home town as my surroundings, admitted I feel better after three and a half solid years of not so good feelings, kicked a three year long narcotic addiction and gained some perspective, experience and self-worth. It’s been a hell of a couple months but instead of feeling drained and fed up, I feel… Hopeful? A renewed sense of faith in the goodness possible in life? Like I am a strong person, – I have been told this in various ways, but had yet to embrace it and learn to rely on my inner-strength to see me through what my emotional self feels is impossible. Faith. In me. – That I can work through and get over this… Whatever ‘this’ the last couple of years have been?
I met a wonderful blogger a few months ago and, after sending her a creepy ‘We’re in the same city. Coffee?’ email, we talked briefly. Actually there is still an email waiting to be replied to but, as she is off exploring the Netherlands and the UK, I imagine she will forgive me for my tardiness. Anyway, Cakes McCain travels. And travels a lot. I admire the way she can make a plan to travel and follow through. I have always wanted to explore the world but it has always been daunting and scary. Some say that travelling solo to another country can’t be as scary as going in for a two level spinal fusion surgery but I disagree. I didn’t choose surgery, travelling abroad scares the bejeezus out of me and it is something I would have to choose to do. Travelling doesn’t just happen to you.
But I digress. I left a comment on Cakes McCain’s latest post,
Its exciting to be an armchair traveler to your exploits. I admire your ability to get up and go. Where do you get the faith to believe it will work out?
Her thoughtful and quick reply left me speechless and got me thinking a lot about the place faith, as a non secular thing, has in my life, my hopes and my dreams.
Great question. Faith is not an option, if I don’t have faith I have nothing. I don’t know if anything I try will work out, but if I never give it a go – it surely NEVER will. I am afraid of many things, but fear will keep you stagnant and trapped unless you buck-up and challenge it. You’ll learn from everything you do, unless it’s nothing. I’ve learned to chill out more and know that for me worry and over-analysing can lead to finding too many reasons/excuses NOT to do something. Last week I found myself telling a friend who was very frustrated – ‘try not to automatically sink into the negative and think of things that aren’t possible – think of things that are!’ That can change everything! xo
Since I read these words they have been echoing in everything I do and the way I look at what I am doing. Recently I ran into an old friend that I hadn’t seen in over ten years and he summed it up better than I think I can. I have come full circle. I left this town ten years ago, have gone to college for a diploma and then university, worked my first real job for eight months before catastrophically injuring my back, gone through two spinal fusions and recoveries and broke up a five year long relationship since then. But with all I have done, accomplished and failed at I remain the same person I was then. Maybe a little more fine tuned, mature and experienced, but I still don’t know where I want to be. I know of many paths I don’t want to take that are behind me, but have no definitive direction for the path ahead.
Where does this leave me on the subject of innate faith? Do I have faith that I will get there? Beyond the material goals, do I have faith that I will eventually find where I want to be and what I want to do? That all my mistakes, my scars and my pain are building me into a more refined and confident, of what I don’t want if not what I do, person?
I think I am learning. Ten months ago I had no inkling of where I would be now. And I had no idea I could feel contentment. – While simultaneously living at my parents and still recovering from this three and a half year injury. But I do. Not all the time, and not nearly as often as I want to but I find it in unexpected places.
Right now I am sitting at the edge of a pier, it’s 7:15 in the evening and I am facing west watching the sun slowly sink. The sky is that majestic shade of blue that is indescribable as anything other than sky blue. It’s reflection in the still waters make the river appear be a thousand different iridescent shades, flowing from white to blue to inky black. There are gulls in the distance, their cries puncture the tranquility of the gently lapping waves. Occasionally a small boat zips by creating soft waves that lick at the base of the rock I am sitting on. I am happy here. In this moment. And right now I can say I think I could cultivate faith. Maybe not faith as others see it, but faith in myself and my decisions. Faith in my gut, faith in my intellect and in my ability to read situations and people.
I found hope a few months ago, and I have managed to sustain at least a shred of it even through the worst of the narcotic withdrawal and the break up. Now I feel faith creeping in and while it feels foreign it is also exciting. Like Cakes McCain said,
I don’t know if anything I try will work out, if I never give it a go – it surely NEVER will. […] You’ll learn from everything you do, unless it’s nothing.
Here’s to learning! And here’s to you babe, Thanks Cakes!
As always, thanks for reading!