An awful lot has occurred in my life since my last post. I broke up with C., moved into my parents basement and have continued to see Mr. Wonderful. I haven’t been writing much, for the first time in a long time I am trying not to think as much… Flying by the seat of my pants, if you will.
I haven’t examined my feelings very closely, especially in relation to leaving C. and starting over again. Or about moving home after ten years of living on my own. Or about beginning a fairly serious relationship with a man that I fell head over heels in love with. In fact, I have been listening to my gut, not to my neurotic thoughts, and as a result I am happier than I have been in recent memory.
Over the last three months I have also worked off all pain meds. I was on Fentanyl 100mcg patches for two years and within a couple of months of deciding to get off, I have completely kicked the habit. I do take Percocet at night, to deal with the pain and the withdrawal symptoms, but one Percocet is still a million times better than being cotton headed and slow moving all. the. time. when I am on fentanyl. I suppose this also means my pain level is diminishing. Unfortunately, without pain meds, I am in a ton of pain but it should dissipate as my nervous system readjusts to being free of opioids. I don’t see the surgeon until the 28th of this month, and my fingers are crossed that there is some discernable bone growth.
I have a return to work tentatively scheduled for the middle of June, depending on what the surgeon says of course. I am apprehensive about pushing myself too hard, but I am also excited to be looking at this recovery in the review mirror. I just want it to be over and to be able to make plans and follow through on them. I am ready to go jogging again, strap on my rollerblades and play Frisbee. I want to jump rope and skip, do a handstand and a cartwheel. All small things, but things I miss and that feel impossible right now.
While knocking on wood really hard, I think I might be able to say I am heading in a direction that I am comfortable with. There are issues, there are problems, but overall I have found contentment out of my darkest night.
As always, thanks for reading.