I have now spent eleven days with Mr. Wonderful, M. It has been wonderful in every way except that it can’t withstand the onslaught of reality. Whatever feelings are there, whatever chemistry we have found, the timing isn’t right.
Yesterday, or maybe this morning, while we were lying in his bed I said that it may be possible that we could work out at some point, but not now. His eyes told me how sad the idea of it not being an immediate thing pained him in the same way it makes me ache. But there are no promises between us, now or ever. There is a possibility of just about anything happening, so why not have everything go our way. Why can’t the baby be her husbands, and the second girl not work out, and I break up with C. and I find a place in…. Where?? Will I move back to my home town in this ideal situation? There are no answers because right now, there is no future. We were supposed to spend tonight together as our last night, but his son asked a bunch of questions about who the girl was from last night and he decided that we had pushed our luck too far. So I didn’t spend the last night possible with him.
And with that my affair with Mr. Wonderful is at an end.
When we were saying goodbye I could barely contain myself. I won’t lie, some tears leaked their way through. I stopped by to give him the tea I got him when we were planning on meeting up and he spent a few minutes with me before going back in to comfort J. He made me smile through my tears by kissing me and then I went on my way, all the while leaving a piece of my heart and myself behind with him.
Coming down is hard. Smashing back into reality is soul crushing. The real world that I had put on hold this past week has come roaring back. With reality comes questions, real questions with no real answers. Internal strife and psychological unease permeate my being.
But I still don’t regret our time together. I can’t. What we shared was too beautiful and too fulfilling to make me cheapen it by regretting my actions, or wishing it was something other than it was. Someday I might say that I am disappointed in myself for not pushing to see where all this goes, for walking away, but I don’t think I will ever truly regret the last week.
I guess I just feel empty. For the first time in so long I was feeling something again. I was feeling happy and hopeful, cautious and optimistic. He made me see the world in Technicolor after years of seeing everything in varying shades of gray. He made me feel beautiful and important. He made me think that I could make someone happy just by being the woman I am, that I shouldn’t have to strive for love. Love is accepting of flaws and I shouldn’t have to change a part of me, or hide one, in order for someone to love me.
Don’t get me wrong, I am all for love making both of you better people and changing because you want to. It is the changes that are forced upon you by someone else that are hard to swallow. M. doesn’t want to change me. Or at least I think he doesn’t.
Actually a few days ago I gave him the address to this blog. He is the first person in my ‘real life’ that I have given access to my blog and it terrifies me in equal parts as it thrills me. You see, I want M. to know all about me and my issues. I want him to know what I can’t seem to talk about in person and I want him to have a look into the inner workings of my mind. I also want him to see my sincerity and I want him to know that he is loved unconditionally. Further, I want him to know that even in my most private moments I have nothing but respect for him and that he hasn’t done anything wrong by me.
I think he thought I wanted him to ask me to stay, that I wanted him to put up a fight for me to stay with him. But it’s just not true. Part of the pull between us was that we had no expectations of each other. Neither of us had anything to offer the other one except admiration, love and comfort. Neither of us are free to pursue anything beyond that. I guess I made him think I was expecting him to say ‘wait for me’ or ‘I’ll wait for you’ but I’m not. He deserves happiness now, not in six months. Further, he has so much to deal with throwing a girlfriend into the mix, even one as open and unassuming as myself, is probably one ingredient too many. Plus, I get the feeling he didn’t want to pursue something serious with me, like ever, and was surprised by the feelings he felt. I think he fell fast and hard and is questioning the sincerity of his feelings now.
Or maybe he does really love me and maybe in five years we will look back on this as the painfully dramatic time with lots of laughter and love in our hearts.
This has to be connected to my issues somehow…. He mentioned that I tend to ask the same questions over and over again with slight differences in the wording or word choice and that I am constantly looking for reassurance and he is totally right. Part of it comes from never having the ability to depend on another person. I crave reassurance and from my experience reassurance rarely happens.
Bah! All this is going no where. Just like Mr. Wonderful and I. We are going no where from here. We are going to be friends, and hopefully great friends, but there is no future for us.