I haven’t written here in a while, but I have been writing so I am trying not to be too hard on myself. I have been busy making a new friend and splitting up my relationship. Well, that’s not true, I haven’t dropped the relationship bomb yet. But I have been thinking a lot about what I should do when it comes to C. and I and I have now made everything even more complicated by involving another man. I am struggling with my morality and ethics. I have always known I have my own set of rules or ethics, and at times – many times – I have to re-evaluate whether what I am doing fits into who I want to be. I can tell you straight up, infidelity is not something I am cool with, I am not okay betraying someone. But I have, and now I need to figure out what I am going to do.
See, I think that C. and I are over and have been over for a very long time. I am not sure what I have been holding onto for the last couple of years. So that isn’t a question, we are done. It is a question of what I am going to do moving forward. I don’t think I am going to tell him about M., it’s not something that factored into my decision to leave and why destroy him when I am already going to leave him. Maybe I am looking at this the wrong way, but even without the infidelity on my part this relationship needs to end for multiple reasons.
I am sure you are wondering, what led to this M. thing? How did I put myself into a position where being with another man was even an option. Well, let me explain. Not to justify my actions, there is no excuse, but so there is some clarity and perhaps even understanding.
M. and I were friends in high school. He was with a girl pretty much the entire time we were friends so, while I think we both felt something more than friendship, we never went beyond the friend boarders. We lost touch after he left high school – he is three years older than me – and hadn’t spoken or seen each other in about ten years. Then Facebook came along… I’m not sure if he added me, or I came across him, but either way we reconnected during the end of January.
Within a week of exchanging messages he had told me that he had a crush on me in high school and I was one of those people he always wondered ‘What if?’ about. Apparently we had both thought about each other quite a bit over the years. Anyway, anyone with half a brain can see where this is leading. We started talking deeply, without reservation and I shared my issues with C. and his lack of desire and preference for porn. He shared his sticky situation involving a baby and two daddies, as well as his desires for more from parenting than a part-time dad position. Faster than I can remember ever happening before I opened up to him, completely. And he still told me I was gorgeous. I laid all my baggage out before him and he packed it up and carried it on his back. He took a huge weight off my shoulders and I will be forever grateful to him for showing me the way I should be treated.
Fast forward through a few weeks of daily messages and mutual desires, stories about what we could do and thoughts about where we could go, and I found myself back in my hometown for ten days to go to the surgeons for an update. I would be lying if I said that by this time we didn’t have plans to meet, we did. Maybe I thought I could keep it platonic or being faced with a man I hadn’t seen in ten years maybe I wouldn’t like what I saw. Naive and blind, that’s what I was. Actually not even naive or blind, I saw it all, I felt it all, I wanted it all, I just ignored it all.
Then I saw him. I picked him up from work and was so nervous that I had to go for a drive with him before I could go back to his place. He kissed me in the car and it was like being kissed for the first time again. I am trying so hard to temper all my emotions and feelings with rational thoughts and explanations, but the bottom line is I have fallen in love with this man. And because of that rational thought and explanations flew out the window and haven’t come back yet.
The way he looks at me – get ready for some truthful cliches – makes me feel important and beautiful. He touches me like he wants to memorize every inch of my skin, he kisses me like he can find the answers to life’s big questions on my lips. He makes me feel alive, loved and treasured. He listens to me like what I say is the most profound thing he has heard uttered by another person. And I can’t get enough of him.
We have spent a week in each other’s arms, and I haven’t felt this happy anytime in recent memory. Here’s the kicker, we can’t be together. It’s not just C., M. has a fair amount of complications in his life as well. He has a son who stays with him every second week, and he also has a possible daughter with a girl I was friends with in high school. It’s complicated. There is also the additional issue of a girl he was seeing until the whole ‘you might be the father of my child’ thing blew up and they decided to part until things were figured out. So, there are things in our way.
Still, it feels so right to be in his arms. It feels like it’s where I belong and makes me deliriously happy. I have asked myself over and over, ‘Are these feelings because he made you feel good after so many years of you feeling inadequate and unattractive? Is it his unavailability that makes it okay with you to feel something?’ I usually fight against this tooth and nail, saying I love you is something that should come after months of getting to know each other, but what happens when it just slips because it feels so right. How can you judge the quality or quantity of your love when your loving?
I go back to the city five hours away where I live on Wednesday. His son comes up on Sunday and we have already discussed the inappropriateness of us meeting right now. I don’t think M. has anything against me meeting J. really, I think it is more that he doesn’t introduce women to J. lightly – friends or lovers – because it is too hard on the little guy when people he becomes attached to disappear. Which, from what I understand, is one of the main pulls to go back to the second woman, J. really likes her, even if M. does not.
M. has so many responsibilities, and he doesn’t take any of them lightly. It’s one of the things I admire most about him. He is more than willing to sacrifice his happiness to do what is best for his child, and I respect that wholeheartedly. However, I also truly believe that I make him happy and it makes my heart bleed that he might make the decision to go back to his ex so he can be a full-time dad to her baby, if it’s his. He deserves a woman that respects him, that wants to give as much to him as he gives to his partners, and above all, he deserves happiness.
If I am completely honest with myself, I love him. I want him to find peace and I want him to feel loved and admired. And I want to be loved by him. I want us to find peace together, to deal with what may come, together. I’d never say that there wouldn’t be issues, every relationship has issues, but I want to tackle them together. I don’t want him to be alone with all of this. After the second or third night we opened up together and I know that he feels something akin to what I do, maybe not as much but at least a little. What I don’t know is if I dropped everything and moved back to my parents, would he be willing to fight for each other together?
Maybe that is an unfair question. Maybe this whole situation is unfair. Maybe we were stupid to start anything, maybe we would be horrible for each other outside of our week long bubble.
I’m so afraid, so soon, of losing him again. I need him in my life, and I think he needs me in his.
Or on the other hand, maybe I am just gullible and this is all one sided. Maybe I was just some unfinished business that he now has closure on. I can’t read his mind.
Right now, though, there is nothing more I want than to spend another night in his arms. I want to be loved by him. Thoroughly loved.
As always, thanks for reading!