Hope for the New Year

 

 

 

Today is the first day of 2013. Today is the day I want to change. Today is the day that I will take a step.

 

 

 

 

 

I have been listening to podcasts by the uber talented Trish Blackwell. I stumbled across her website, trishblackwell.com, today while looking for something to listen to while I typed out my hopes for this year. She is rather inspiring and honest and I wanted to share her site with you in hopes that she speaks to you as she spoke to me.

 

 

 

Now I have to admit that there is that ugly voice whispering “why bother?” even as I sit here feeling inspired by her words. I want to go after my fitness, I want to be able to feel proud of what I have accomplished in a day but I feel like it is impossible right now. However I know I am going to keep trying. Check out this podcast for a little pick me up: Being Yourself

 

 

 

Today is the first day of 2013. Today is the day I want to start changing. Today is the day that I will take a step.

 

 

 

I have been thinking a lot about goals lately. I have known for a long time that I have issues with goals. I have no problem making the goals, but I can’t seem to hold myself accountable in any way that does something more productive than make me feel like I failed. Because of my past failures there is that damned voice saying “why bother?”  but I think I may be starting to understand why I should bother. What is the point in existing if I’m not going to bother? With that in mind, I have come up with some hopes for this year, and I challenge myself to believe that I can achieve all that I hope for.

 

 

 

I still have the podcast playing and C. just turned to me and asked “What is this crap?” Immediately I turned it off and let my anger seethe. He then asked “Do you find this tripe helpful? I find it condescending.” but he wasn’t really looking for an answer. I said “I find it condescending for you to turn around and ask what is this crap about something I was obviously listening to.”  He ignored me. The reason I am bringing this up is because it is a perfect segue into my first hope and it demonstrates nicely why this is my first and foremost hope for 2013.

 

 

 

 

Today is the first day of 2013. Today is the day I want to start changing. Today is the day that I will take a step.

 

 

 

• I hope to be independent physically, emotionally and psychologically. This hope is a whole lot larger than it sounds. I have always had problems with loneliness. I crave and need to be alone, but  too much of a good thing can be bad as well. While I pride myself on my independence, in truth I depend on C. too much. I look to him to give me motivation to get through everyday and that is not healthy or helpful. Not to mention what he wants is degrees away from what I want. In listening to Trish’s podcasts I was looking for some inspiration, and I found it, but C. made me feel ashamed for looking. So I want to be emotionally independent. I want to be able to choose to do things for myself, not for him. I want to motivate myself to achieve my dreams for myself, not to add value to his life while taking it away from mine. A large part of this goal is letting go. I truly think I need to build my confidence enough to walk away from this relationship without feeling like I am going to crumble and die if I do. Sometimes I think the only thing keeping my head above water is C.’s disapproval of me sinking. But other times I feel like he is the weight pulling me down into the black abyss. Either way, our relationship has swung decidedly into the area of unhealthy. We feed the negative in each other instead of bringing out the positive.
  Beyond my relationship with C. and my need to break free from the codependency that plagues us, I also hope for physical independence. This is self explanatory, I need to get better to the point where I can take care of myself. One of my conundrums lately has been that I absolutely do not want to move home, and I don’t really want to live with C. anymore but I am terrified of living alone. It is not so much the being alone part as it is my physical limitations and my fear of falling and not being able to get back up.

 

Today is the first day of 2013. Today is the day I want to start changing. Today is the day that I will take a step.

 

 

 

• I hope that I will take better care of myself. This hope is loaded with other hopes. What does it mean to take care of myself? Physically, I want to eat better and get more cardio in. I want to go back to my strength training program and tone my core for the fifth time since my  injury. However, I have to wait until I get the okay from Dr. Backsurgeon before I go ahead with cardio or strength training. My diet needs to be revamped. I was diagnosed with celiac disease three years ago and I have been going on and off a gluten free diet since then. I think I need to bite the bullet and decide that I will no longer eat anything glutinous. Since the diagnosis, bread has become my comfort food – french baguettes to be precise – and I have to break the mental connection so I can remain gluten free even in times of stress. Taking care of myself means the basic things I have been neglecting for far to long as well. Things like showering and brushing my teeth have fallen woefully low on my priorities list. Make-up and doing something more with my hair than throwing it up have become non-existent. I hope to create pride in my appearance – something that I haven’t had since C. and I started dating five years ago. I hope to treat myself better and allow myself moments of relaxation and calm. I hope to find a psychologist I mesh with and to continue to challenge and heal myself psychologically. I hope to look in the mirror and in my head and see a person I love being, a life I love living and a body I love pampering.

 

Today is the first day of 2013. Today is the day I want to start changing. Today is the day that I will take a step.

 

 

 

•  I hope to be more creative and active in my local knitting community. I hope to make new friends this year and one way I can see myself doing that is by joining a local knitting circle. I also want to spend more time knitting and growing my list of skills. I love learning new things and knitting is something I can do at any point in my recovery. In fact I was knitting in the hospital the evening I woke up from surgery. Granted I was so groggy I dropped a couple of stitches, but I was doing it. I want to allow my creative side, which I was convinced I didn’t posses until a few years ago, to flourish. I love fibre and I love knitting and I love spinning, so I just have to do it more. Doesn’t it make sense to do more of the things you love to add value to your life? I would also like to sell some of my fibre masterpieces. I am realistic about this, it will only be a supplement to my main income, but nonetheless I would like to make the fibre arts into something I do professionally. I would like to start a blog about knitting, somewhere I can keep all my thoughts and patterns and get feedback. Right now, though, it feels like this is an insurmountable task so for the immediate future I hope to knit regularly. 

 

Three hopes. That’s it. I have three core hopes for the year to come and if just one comes closer to existing for me than 2013 may just be the best year yet! Today is the first day of 2013. Today is the day I want to start changing. Today is the day that I will take a step. And I have.

 

 

 

Here’s to hoping!

 

 

 

Happy New Year! May it bring to you all that you hope and more.
As always, thanks for reading!!
– S.

 

 

 

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