Twelve, & Sixteen More Days Later

It is now September 14th and I am just over a week post-op. My mood rises and plummets at a drop of a hat and there have been many upsets that have been trying and difficult to deal with.

I’ve landed back in my parents house after ten years on my own and I have found that, no matter how much I tell myself this is temporary, I feel like I failed. Well, not failed perse… More that I feel like this was a concession I didn’t want to make.


It is now Sept. 30th and I am back at ‘home’ in my new city. Three weeks plus three days post-op and  I am numb. I have been back in our new apartment with C. since Sept. 22, but have spent less than a couple of hours with him. He is gone all the time. He leaves before I wake and returns close to dinner time, give or take an hour or two. When he is here he is absorbed completely by his computer screen, anxiety coming off him in waves, lost to me within his thoughts, papers and books. As the days slip by I realize that the concession I made staying at my parents after surgery may have to be made again if I can’t handle being second to books.

—————

I have been thinking rather seriously about moving back in with my parents. I am not ready to take care of myself and as much as it wounds my pride being at home is nice. Maybe it is what I need for now. My mom makes sure I eat, she even makes good things for me to eat and will pretty much do anything I ask her to. I need someone to make this a bit easier for me.

I feel stronger now than I have is a long time. This is a mixed blessing for one who longs to be normal but is forced to lie down for most of the day, every single day.
”Hey S.! What are you doing today?”
”Umm….” What I want to say is ‘Same thing I do everyday, lie in bed, read and try not to feel my life slipping past me.’ But invariably what comes out is “Not much! Thanks for asking!”
Seriously though, I could handle being in bed if C. was here more, was more interested, more caring, more loving. I feel alone with him less than three feet from me. I feel lonely in my bed, our bed, when he is lying right beside me. My heart aches for what I suddenly feel is inevitable. I feel like I am a burden that is constantly interrupting an important train of thought, or a particularly good passage in a book. He feels burdened by me and that is something I will not stand for.

I have an appointment back in my hometown on Oct. 16th, to see a psychiatrist I have been waiting to see for over a year, and plan to make some hard decisions by then. I feel like I need to give myself some time and space and that I need to be away from C., somewhere I don’t feel his selfish self-pity.

There is still that part of me saying that I am being unfair to C. It whispers that he is ignoring me for school and I should be okay with that, it is fault within myself that makes me need him right now even though there is  a paper due. I guess I irrationally believed that he would be there for me no matter what. But so far it is like I don’t exist. Worse, he doesn’t acknowledge that he is ignoring me and should be helping me more if he is going to claim go ‘be there for me’. He feels like his stress is  more important than my safety and the environment I need to promote good healing.

I asked him if he was ready for me to come home and he hemmed and hawed about how he didn’t know if he would have time ect. ect. And I finally said, “I don’t need much of your time, just one meal a day. I need you to cook me one good meal a day.” He agreed and in the week I have been here he has made me two meals and stood me up for shopping yesterday. (I am cranky and sore today from lugging home the groceries he said he would come with me to get and starting to feel rather resentful of the fact that he eats all the food I went out and bought, and carried home.)

Enough. Bottom lime is C. has not been there for me, even if he has tried valiantly to be. He is too busy with what he needs to do and I should be proud of his work ethic. I guess.

On another note…

I tend to stick with my personal life when I write in this blog. I know I have mentioned my various surgeries more than once but I have not gotten too in depth with the feelings that come with a struggle like mine. One of my readers has asked me how I feel about my two spinal fusion surgeries as I seem to gloss over a lot of the pain and suffering. I guess I have shied away from actually talking about how I feel because I know it won’t be sunshine, rainbows and lolly pops. What do you all think? Would you like to hear how I feel even if there is a smidge of hopelessness in every sentence penned?

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6 thoughts on “Twelve, & Sixteen More Days Later

  1. I’m so sorry. Of course. Share whatever feels right to you. I hope your recovery goes smoothly and the hopelessness becomes less and less. As always, we would love for you to share those types of posts at Broken Light, short versions, no matter how hopeless, along with your photos. Old photos are fine. I know much of the collective will be able to relate to the physical and/or emotional struggles, and it’s a topic we don’t often get to explore. You’ll see that you’re definitely not alone. And if you’re not able to shoot, which is probably the case, I hope you can find something else creative to engage with either way. Maybe collage? You are very talented, and it can sometimes be a good outlet. Feel well, my dear. Sending warmest wishes! Xx

    • S. says:

      Thank you so much, BLP. Your comments are always uplifting and cozy. I haven’t given up yet, and don’t plan to any time soon.
      I have been knitting more and more as I lie in bed recuperating and it has definitely captured my creative imagination!
      Thank you again, your comments are like a warm hug.
      xoxo – S.

  2. You should write whatever you need to write. It is your blog, after all. Blogging is very helpful for one’s mental health and you’ll find a lot of support in the blogging community.

    Hugs

  3. Jamie says:

    I personally find writing cathartic and think that you should write about what helps you the most.

    The worst kind of lonely is being with someone who ignores you. I spent an incredible amount of time living like that. We all have to go through our own process to figure out what we want out of life an who we want in our lives.

    • S. says:

      Thank you for your wisdom, Jamie.
      I am slowly learning what it is I don’t want in the future, even if the whole what I do want thing is lagging, knowing what I don’t want is something.
      Best,
      xo – S.

  4. benzeknees says:

    Please feel free to share whatever you want on your blog. You will find a supportive community here to stand behind you. I have shared some of my struggles with Spina Bifida as well as other struggles.
    I’m sorry you are struggling with C & him helping you in the way you need. I am experiencing some of those same struggles right now & I know how awful it feels to need help & the help you expect is not forthcoming.

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