When September Comes…

madatmeSo I seem to have taken a short respite from my thirty day challenge. Who saw this coming? I did! I am not giving up, really. I will persevere and I will feel accomplishment when I finish.  In the meantime, leave your link ups on the Thirty Day Challenge page and I will be sure to add them as I get my posts up. Hopefully none of you are disappointed with me. Please don’t be, it will be a massive accomplishment for me if I complete all thirty entries at all and I am still aiming for one a day.

I really needed to release some of the anxiety and I usually write it out… So here we go.

phdC. got into the PhD program at his choice school with full funding for five years… And the school happens to be four and a half hours away. So he is moving in September, and I am… Well that is the source of the anxiety.

I have a few options, obviously I can go with him, which is what he wants. I can stay here  and for the first time in my life I could afford to live  alone as I have been supporting two of us with very minimal support from his parents… Ha, I might actually better than just okay, I movingmight be good. Anyway, there is a third option, I could move home  and live with my parents. I know that a lot of you would be asking ‘Well if you are one-foot out the door already in this relationship, why is moving across the province even a question?’ My answer is very frustrating, even to myself: I love him and I haven’t stopped believing in his potential good.

So with the whole why it is a hard decision thing explained… (Yes, I know I didn’t even touch the whole I’ll feel like a failure if I move home thing <Dr. O and I went over all my crazy feelings about all three options today>, nor did I mention that I am terrified of living by myself. <Beyond the normal afraid of being alone thing, I have safety concerns with things like showering, taking out the garbage, doing the laundry, changing the kitty litter or getting groceries.>) Onto why I am so anxious; well, besides my belligerent refusal to delve into my raw emotions and inflamed subconscious twice in a day. I do acknowledge all of the above, I just don’t want it to be true and don’t have enough emotional stamina to analyze my weaknesses today.

tornConsciously I know there is a lot more to this chocking anxiety than just C. moving. It is forcing me to make a decision, which is something I haven’t really done throughout this injury. For the last couple of years I have been drifting as I haven’t had a choice in an awful lot of the situations I have been put in. I haven’t made a huge life decision in years and the stress of having to make a decision that will effect both C. and I has led me to be a ball of anxiety. I mean a shaking-quaking-knot-in-your-stomach-constantly kind of anxiety.

So I have two conflicting ideas on what it will mean for me to move. First, a change in my environment could do me a ton of good. Shaking up my routine, putting me in a new space, starting over, clearing out the cobwebs so to speak. It sounds kind of exciting. Aanndd… Maybe C. could support me for a year and I can focus on getting better and loving myself. I think I may be tentatively climbing out the other side of this hole, which I say with many reservations, so please knock on wood!!

On the other hand, I could go and fall deeper in my pit of despair and down there I won’t have my medical team around me. Nor will I have any sort of support network. I would be alone with C. It is funny, now that I have written it out, I realize just how terrified I am about moving and then having our relationship fail and being stuck in a situation or place I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be trapped in this relationship or stuck in a city where I don’t know anyone.

That brings to mind a line I came across on SnarkySnatch from Breakfast at Tiffany’s : bat

You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, and you’re terrified somebody’s going to stick you in a cage.  Well, baby, you’re already in that cage.  You built it yourself.  And it’s not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somaliland.  It’s wherever you go.  Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.

That statement applies to me in that I feel like I might get trapped if I go with him, but in reality I am trapped now by not making any decisions and wallowing in self pity. I have put myself in this cage. But if I locked my self in, that also means I can get myself out. I have been trying to weigh the options and how I feel about each. I want to make the right decision for me. And for both of us, but for me first. Realistically I don’t know if this relationship will last… Sure we have let four years slip by, but he still hasn’t even begun thinking about getting married. He still can’t even talk about having kids in a theoretical sense, let alone have a real conversation about our future plans, hopes and dreams. I am not even sure we want the same things out of life. I know we used to talk abut things like that but I can’t seem to bring any specific conversations to mind. I know he has told me that he doesn’t find me as attractive as he used to, and I also know that we are constantly on the edge of an argument. There is so much more we don’t say to each other to keep the peace than there are nice things we say to each other to promote feelings of intimacy and love.

However, C. surprised me when I broke down and spilled a few day ago…

ImLeavingMiraculously, he has been really supportive in regards to my concerns. I am a bit ashamed to admit that there have been more than a couple of emotional breakdowns in the last couple of weeks. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I feel like he is gone and I panic. Like really panic, I get all sweaty, my breathing is quick and shallow, my heart is racing and I feel like I am going to throw up. I am not sure why I wake up with this feeling when I know he is sitting in the kitchen. One day last week I woke up and went out to the kitchen wrapped my arms around him and bawled. He was rather startled seeing as, prior to this outburst, I had not expressed any of my worrisome fears to him. When I had calmed down enough to explain what was wrong I admitted that I was really unsure about moving away.

We talked for a bit and he tried really hard to convince me we could make it work with me five hours away from my medical team, in particular my surgeon and family doctor as there are very few surgeons in my province and I am on so many narcotics that I am afraid it will be hard to find the proper care from a physician that hasn’t seen my progression over two and a half years like my family doctor, who has been my primary care physician for a dozen years or more,  has. To be completely honest, there is a part of me that wants to go at it on my own for a little while.

im sorryThere has only been eight months in my adult life where I was responsible and accountable to only myself. I think it may be beneficial to spend some time living on my own. But at the same time that I am relishing the idea of independence, I am also haunted with questions like “What if he is the guy I am supposed to marry and if I give him up I will never find love again?” and “Will I regret staying here?” and many other ‘what if’s’ and ‘will I’s’.

I still have time to decide, I am just so anxious about it all. The most recent news on my back indicates I might need more surgery in August, either to refuse he area or to remove the hardware hopefully, in effect, to reduce the pressure on my nerves. Beyond that, I just have to keep waiting and hope that my spine solidifies and my nerve pain subsides.

septemberSo when September comes… There will be change, major change and it may well not be of my choosing or to my liking, but I am going to have to deal with it as best I can as it comes. Dr. O is urging me to increase my base of support here so that if C. does leave… Not if C. leaves, when C. leaves  I will still have other people to rely on if my physical condition worsens. It makes sense to me and I wish I could just go out and make friends, but I feel so socially inept these days, all I have to talk about is my injury and recovery and the despair and depression that comes along with it. I am trying really  hard to flip my thinking into something positive. I have to let go of the idea that I don’t deserve happiness, or that things are good for others, beneficial even, but that won’t work for me. These two ideas seem to be intrinsically linked in my subconscious and that little voice in my head whispers, ‘Others may find success, happiness and even momentary peace, but that can’t happen for you. You don’t deserve it. All you deserve and what you get is ordeal after ordeal because you aren’t meant to be happy’

I asked Dr. O today if he knows how to make the voice go away. (I am not talking about schizophrenic type of voices, just that one that tells you look good on good days and that you look fat on bad days. You know, my little angel and little devil that sit on my shoulder angeldeviland tell me good things and bad things respectively? Anyway, he said you never make it go away that you treat the devil like a child that doesn’t know any better, with love and compassion, and explain that it (yourself, since these are really thoughts personified) is just not seeing the whole picture and eventually, apparently, your angel will come out more to talk to you than your devil. I guess this is just really another way of saying that you have to start being positive to effect positive change. In other words, I have to reconnect with my loving, compassionate angel conscience and in embracing the angel the critical, depressed devil conscience will be ineffective against my new found self-compassion.

This went all over the place, but to be honest my thoughts just are all over the place. I feel like I am at the edge of a chasm, and I am not sure whether I want to jump or turn around and find another way down. I’m just unsettled.

Any thoughts you have would be uber appreciated. I sincerely value every comment that comes to me. I was actually hoping someone could tell me how they make their decisions and feel confident in their choices without really knowing the outcome. Have any of you suddenly realized you haven’t been making decisions, you have been drifting? How do you start envisioning a future that involves making tough decisions that will change yours and your partner’s life?

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17 thoughts on “When September Comes…

  1. magikdolls says:

    Hunny dearest.. my answers to you will be all over the place as well so bare with me. You number one, have got to realize that no matter what you are worth something to someone, even if it is just family or a physician. You are a wonderful person, that’s looks aside! If my boyfriend told me he didn’t find me as attractive as I used to be I would be devastated because a relationship should not be based on those things. If he can’t accept you for who you are then you are not in a real relationship! You have to either get him to admit his wrong on that or think about it and weigh what is more important to you.. your sanity or your heart. Hearts heal, sanity does not. If you go on everyday wondering where your relationship will go, you are not at all focused on yourself. You have got to heal yourself first! You come first no matter what! You hear me, no matter what! If you don’t come first in your life, no one will ever come second and as hard as that is to swallow you need to know that it is the truth. I may not be old and wise, but I am very experienced in being lost and being down and focusing on everything else in the world besides myself. Your back injury is no matter to be playing with. You need to keep up on the medical stuff because I can see how much your broken back had broken you and you are only healing as fast as your back is. If you are possibly needing surgery in Aug, make sure you do it.. unless you feel in your gut that you wont need it. In your situation, keeping close to doctors is imperative. Let me put it to you this way, if something happens to you that makes it worse, wont you just be uprooted and brought back to where you are anyways? You can only fallow your heart so much in situations like this.. you have got to do what is smart and If I were you, what is smart would be to stay where you are, don’t move with parents, make sure to keep in touch with C. try to work on your relationship and yourself at the same time.. but put yourself first! If you don’t no matter what you do, you will feel as though you have failed. Don’t neglect yourself over someone who seems like they don’t know what the heck is 5 feet in front of their face. He shouldn’t be putting these things on you he should be either sticking with you where you are, at least until you are of better health, or urging you to stay around your medical team. I can’t tell you what to do hun, only give you advice… but when it comes down to it, you need you! You need to heal, and will you be able to do that moving 5 hours away. If the answer is yes than go for it! (and by healing I mean physical and mental healing) If the answer is no, I suggest you think about it long and hard what you can do to put yourself in a better situation. Ever thought of staying where you are, and just moving to a different place? (if its even an option..) that might help you but I know you can do all of that on your own.. can you make it to and from the doctor without someone having to take you? If so you already have that ‘one foot out the door’ don’t take that away from yourself and you moving with C. seems like something you want to do to have a caregiver.. not a husband…? I hope this helps and doesn’t hurt. I really do care about you and want to see growth and happiness. As I said that’s the reason I started this blog was to grow and heal and I have made leaps and bounds just being able to write things down. It helps to stand up for yourself and do what you want, not what you think will make others happy! Go for it, whatever it is girl cuz you can do it, I have no doubt in that.

    XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO Sara

    • S. says:

      I will write more, lots more, soon. It is 11:30 and I have to be up by 6:30 so to bed with me! But I wanted to at least say thank you!
      xoxox – S.

  2. Caroline says:

    Now I’ve read all this through and totally understand your dilemma. I also know the feelings of hurt, indecision, the prospect of being on your own, the anxiety……

    all of it

    I wish I was closer so I could help you but coaching you through this over skype or a phone line isn’t good enough, I’d need to see you. A good Life Coach (with NLP training) would, I believe really help you. If you really commit to it the speed of change within you could be fast. Enabling you to find all those choices within you and make choosing so much easier.

    Just a suggestion

    xxx

    • S. says:

      Hi Caroline,
      I love your suggestions! I know you understand and I wish you were closer too. I just thought of this, I would love to set up a time to Skype with you. I am not sure if my mic works… I think it does? Anyway, it would be so nice to put a face and voice to your words. I said this above to Back On My Own but I wanted to say it to you too: Wouldn’t it be wonderful to sit down to tea and tittering all together?
      I understand the why you don’t think coaching me from afar will work. I wish I could employ a life coach. Reading through your experience with Stephen and through your training really makes it a deep desire. However, I just can’t. Until my back heals I am on a fixed income. C. doesn’t work. So my income pays for rent, hydro, transit, food, and everything else that we need. After necessities we are usually in the red. There is no money for coaching… Unless I don’t eat? 😛 I am just kidding. But in all seriousness, there is never any money left over.
      I am really trying hard to coach myself… I have made some progress but i think you are right that my change could be faster with some direction.
      Tons of love, Caroline.
      xoxoxo – S.

  3. magikdolls says:

    “find all those choices within you and make choosing so much easier.”
    This is awesome! Good advice Caroline.

  4. backonmyown says:

    I’ll be thinking good thoughts for you as you make these important decisions. I hope you’ll be able to do what is best for you. xoxox

    • S. says:

      Thank you so much, BOMO. (By the way, I always say BOMO because I am not sure if you use your name. Well, that and it is almost a term of endearment for me… like aunt but since you aren’t actually related to me you are my Bomo. Weird, I know and if it bothers you please let me know! I have no problem typing out Back On My Own if that is the case! 😀 )
      You know, I sincerely wish that you Caroline and I lived closer together. I think it would be a balm to my soul to sit down to tea with you two and chat the afternoon away.
      Tons of love!
      xoxo – S.

  5. I nominated you for The Versatile Blogger Award. You can find it here:
    http://journeybits.wordpress.com/2012/05/03/the-versatile-blogger-award/

    • S. says:

      WOW! Thanks so much!! I will get over to your post and read what I should do tomorrow! I have physiotherapy at 8:00 AM tomorrow and it is 11:00 PM now so I really have to try to sleep for a few hours.
      You made my month!! xoxo -S.

  6. After reading your post several of my own personal experiences came to mind that I wanted to share with you. But I feel the best thing for you to do is to decide what works best for you. I know that it’s scary right now but have faith. Things will work out. I’m praying for you!

    • S. says:

      Gosh, Thank you so much. I would like to hear your experiences if you have time. I agree that I will have to decide what is best for me, but right now I really want to see it from as many perspectives as possible.
      I really appreciate you taking the time to comment. Really it means a lot and the words you used felt like a giant hug.
      Best,
      xoxo – S.
      P.S. By the way, somehow I wasn’t following you? I have remedied the situation, but wanted to say sorry. I thought I was following you already! 😀

  7. I understand your dilemma and your difficulties. All the what-if questions are sometimes a plague (even though personally as a writer I thrive in them). I can only offer some personal perspectives and opinions based on what I read.

    – Your health comes first. Before anything else. I feel it needs to be your first priority and you need to be in the place where you have the best support and care until you are well.

    – As a feminist I have to say that even if he is the guy you are supposed to marry, it doesn’t mean that you are giving up your life. Equality in marriage and equality in life. Your health, your career, your personal needs and opinions are important and equally valid as his are.

    – Sometimes distance can work wonders for a relationship that seems shaky. If he is the guy you are supposed to marry then he will want you to be healthy, to have the best care in world even if it means being physically away from you for some time and he will try to bridge the gap and eventually get the two of you together. I feel that in this case it’s his responsibility to not only care for your welfare but also accommodate his life around the fact the you can’t move without putting yourself to risk, as he is the one moving away.

    But as I said your health should be you topmost priority.

    • S. says:

      Hi Natalie,
      Thank you so very much for your insightful comment. It means a lot that you have taken the time to write a well thought out response.
      You make some very valid points and some are thoughts that have been circling around for too long. I may have misrepresented the situation a bit, I forced him into accepting the school further away. He was also accepted to the school where we live now, but I knew he wanted to and it was best for him to go to the one further away. He was quite upset when he realized that I kind of manipulated him into accepting that offer – he says if he knew I had so many reservations about moving he would have stayed here. But that is exactly what I was terrified of. I never want to hold any one back from doing what is best for them. I don’t want my back to be the reason he stays. It is just not fair and will result in latent resentment that may never be resolved.

      I completely agree with your last point an it is what I am banking on. I hope that when he moves and we are apart for a while, something that rarely happens since he doesn’t have a job, we will realize that we do truly want to be together for more than just the ease of routine and comfort. We have been dating four and half years, and he is still unsure whether he ever wants to marry me. If he doesn’t know now, how can I move so far away with him??

      Anyway, thank you so much for your comments, really. I am sorry it took a bit to get back to you, you ended up in my spam folder for some reason!
      Best,
      xo – S.

  8. magikdolls says:

    You ok Ms. S? Hope you’re feeling better. Gosh my weekends just take hold of me! I sleep in as much as I can then the days are a rush… Hopefully I can find the time to finish writing you through email tonight when my bubby us at school.
    Xoxo
    Sara! ❤

    • S. says:

      Yep! Just behind on everything. I have been thinking a lot about you lately and hope all is spectacular!
      xxoox xooxox – S.
      ^
      | Extra ones, just cause! 😀

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