So I seem to have taken a short respite from my thirty day challenge. Who saw this coming? I did! I am not giving up, really. I will persevere and I will feel accomplishment when I finish. In the meantime, leave your link ups on the Thirty Day Challenge page and I will be sure to add them as I get my posts up. Hopefully none of you are disappointed with me. Please don’t be, it will be a massive accomplishment for me if I complete all thirty entries at all and I am still aiming for one a day.
I really needed to release some of the anxiety and I usually write it out… So here we go.
C. got into the PhD program at his choice school with full funding for five years… And the school happens to be four and a half hours away. So he is moving in September, and I am… Well that is the source of the anxiety.
I have a few options, obviously I can go with him, which is what he wants. I can stay here and for the first time in my life I could afford to live alone as I have been supporting two of us with very minimal support from his parents… Ha, I might actually better than just okay, I might be good. Anyway, there is a third option, I could move home and live with my parents. I know that a lot of you would be asking ‘Well if you are one-foot out the door already in this relationship, why is moving across the province even a question?’ My answer is very frustrating, even to myself: I love him and I haven’t stopped believing in his potential good.
So with the whole why it is a hard decision thing explained… (Yes, I know I didn’t even touch the whole I’ll feel like a failure if I move home thing <Dr. O and I went over all my crazy feelings about all three options today>, nor did I mention that I am terrified of living by myself. <Beyond the normal afraid of being alone thing, I have safety concerns with things like showering, taking out the garbage, doing the laundry, changing the kitty litter or getting groceries.>) Onto why I am so anxious; well, besides my belligerent refusal to delve into my raw emotions and inflamed subconscious twice in a day. I do acknowledge all of the above, I just don’t want it to be true and don’t have enough emotional stamina to analyze my weaknesses today.
Consciously I know there is a lot more to this chocking anxiety than just C. moving. It is forcing me to make a decision, which is something I haven’t really done throughout this injury. For the last couple of years I have been drifting as I haven’t had a choice in an awful lot of the situations I have been put in. I haven’t made a huge life decision in years and the stress of having to make a decision that will effect both C. and I has led me to be a ball of anxiety. I mean a shaking-quaking-knot-in-your-stomach-constantly kind of anxiety.
So I have two conflicting ideas on what it will mean for me to move. First, a change in my environment could do me a ton of good. Shaking up my routine, putting me in a new space, starting over, clearing out the cobwebs so to speak. It sounds kind of exciting. Aanndd… Maybe C. could support me for a year and I can focus on getting better and loving myself. I think I may be tentatively climbing out the other side of this hole, which I say with many reservations, so please knock on wood!!
On the other hand, I could go and fall deeper in my pit of despair and down there I won’t have my medical team around me. Nor will I have any sort of support network. I would be alone with C. It is funny, now that I have written it out, I realize just how terrified I am about moving and then having our relationship fail and being stuck in a situation or place I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be trapped in this relationship or stuck in a city where I don’t know anyone.
That brings to mind a line I came across on SnarkySnatch from Breakfast at Tiffany’s :
You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, and you’re terrified somebody’s going to stick you in a cage. Well, baby, you’re already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it’s not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somaliland. It’s wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.
That statement applies to me in that I feel like I might get trapped if I go with him, but in reality I am trapped now by not making any decisions and wallowing in self pity. I have put myself in this cage. But if I locked my self in, that also means I can get myself out. I have been trying to weigh the options and how I feel about each. I want to make the right decision for me. And for both of us, but for me first. Realistically I don’t know if this relationship will last… Sure we have let four years slip by, but he still hasn’t even begun thinking about getting married. He still can’t even talk about having kids in a theoretical sense, let alone have a real conversation about our future plans, hopes and dreams. I am not even sure we want the same things out of life. I know we used to talk abut things like that but I can’t seem to bring any specific conversations to mind. I know he has told me that he doesn’t find me as attractive as he used to, and I also know that we are constantly on the edge of an argument. There is so much more we don’t say to each other to keep the peace than there are nice things we say to each other to promote feelings of intimacy and love.
However, C. surprised me when I broke down and spilled a few day ago…
Miraculously, he has been really supportive in regards to my concerns. I am a bit ashamed to admit that there have been more than a couple of emotional breakdowns in the last couple of weeks. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I feel like he is gone and I panic. Like really panic, I get all sweaty, my breathing is quick and shallow, my heart is racing and I feel like I am going to throw up. I am not sure why I wake up with this feeling when I know he is sitting in the kitchen. One day last week I woke up and went out to the kitchen wrapped my arms around him and bawled. He was rather startled seeing as, prior to this outburst, I had not expressed any of my worrisome fears to him. When I had calmed down enough to explain what was wrong I admitted that I was really unsure about moving away.
We talked for a bit and he tried really hard to convince me we could make it work with me five hours away from my medical team, in particular my surgeon and family doctor as there are very few surgeons in my province and I am on so many narcotics that I am afraid it will be hard to find the proper care from a physician that hasn’t seen my progression over two and a half years like my family doctor, who has been my primary care physician for a dozen years or more, has. To be completely honest, there is a part of me that wants to go at it on my own for a little while.
There has only been eight months in my adult life where I was responsible and accountable to only myself. I think it may be beneficial to spend some time living on my own. But at the same time that I am relishing the idea of independence, I am also haunted with questions like “What if he is the guy I am supposed to marry and if I give him up I will never find love again?” and “Will I regret staying here?” and many other ‘what if’s’ and ‘will I’s’.
I still have time to decide, I am just so anxious about it all. The most recent news on my back indicates I might need more surgery in August, either to refuse he area or to remove the hardware hopefully, in effect, to reduce the pressure on my nerves. Beyond that, I just have to keep waiting and hope that my spine solidifies and my nerve pain subsides.
So when September comes… There will be change, major change and it may well not be of my choosing or to my liking, but I am going to have to deal with it as best I can as it comes. Dr. O is urging me to increase my base of support here so that if C. does leave… Not if C. leaves, when C. leaves I will still have other people to rely on if my physical condition worsens. It makes sense to me and I wish I could just go out and make friends, but I feel so socially inept these days, all I have to talk about is my injury and recovery and the despair and depression that comes along with it. I am trying really hard to flip my thinking into something positive. I have to let go of the idea that I don’t deserve happiness, or that things are good for others, beneficial even, but that won’t work for me. These two ideas seem to be intrinsically linked in my subconscious and that little voice in my head whispers, ‘Others may find success, happiness and even momentary peace, but that can’t happen for you. You don’t deserve it. All you deserve and what you get is ordeal after ordeal because you aren’t meant to be happy’
I asked Dr. O today if he knows how to make the voice go away. (I am not talking about schizophrenic type of voices, just that one that tells you look good on good days and that you look fat on bad days. You know, my little angel and little devil that sit on my shoulder and tell me good things and bad things respectively? Anyway, he said you never make it go away that you treat the devil like a child that doesn’t know any better, with love and compassion, and explain that it (yourself, since these are really thoughts personified) is just not seeing the whole picture and eventually, apparently, your angel will come out more to talk to you than your devil. I guess this is just really another way of saying that you have to start being positive to effect positive change. In other words, I have to reconnect with my loving, compassionate angel conscience and in embracing the angel the critical, depressed devil conscience will be ineffective against my new found self-compassion.
This went all over the place, but to be honest my thoughts just are all over the place. I feel like I am at the edge of a chasm, and I am not sure whether I want to jump or turn around and find another way down. I’m just unsettled.
Any thoughts you have would be uber appreciated. I sincerely value every comment that comes to me. I was actually hoping someone could tell me how they make their decisions and feel confident in their choices without really knowing the outcome. Have any of you suddenly realized you haven’t been making decisions, you have been drifting? How do you start envisioning a future that involves making tough decisions that will change yours and your partner’s life?