Discuss what is important in terms of a significant relationship.
First some background: This question comes from my inability to define what I want and need in a romantic relationship. I am in a four year long one right now but it feels incomplete and I can’t put my finger on what is lacking as I don’t really know what I need from my significant other. After reading others responses I think I might be approaching this from the wrong angle. I am setting romantic relationships in a separate category when it belongs with the rest of my relationships. Maybe there is something in me that needs to be fixed before I can have a significant relationship that is happy and healthy. Maybe some of the issues I blame on C. are not solely his issues. Don’t get me wrong, I am not letting him off the hook for the last couple of years, he has some big things to make up to me, but maybe I need too much in my broken state. Maybe I put too much pressure on my significant relationships because I am lacking in other relationship areas?
First and foremost, respect and love are the required base of any relationship I am involved in. I love freely, in that I love everyone in my life. Of course there are different types of love, but nonetheless if you have had a comment from me, you have probably already wormed your way into my heart. But respect is harder. Respect is what lets you get into loud and angry arguments without saying things you will regret or just to hurt the other person. Respect allows you to have a difference of opinions without being critical of or attacking the other person based on their opposing view. Respect is what is needed to work through the differences and compromise. But respect is a two way street. It requires that both parties be involved respectfully. This is one of the issues I am having with C.
While we love in abundance, we both need to work on respecting each others space, feelings and thoughts. (Me space, him feelings and thoughts.) C. has a hard time not attacking the person he is talking to especially if you don’t agree with him. He also has this annoying habit of talking at people rather than having a conversation with the other person. He can’t take any criticism even if it is constructive and presented in a way that doesn’t attack him. If I bring up that he still hasn’t gone out to apply for jobs (it is going on three months since he promised he would find one within the month after not having a job for well… it will be two years in August.) he throws in my face that I am not doing this or that. There is resentment on both our parts, but the difference between our resentment is that there are things C. could do to ease my resentment, there is nothing I can do about the fact that I hurt my back and I can’t do anything to make it heal faster. He resents that I have held us back for two years, and I resent that he has held himself back, he not tried to better our situation and he hasn’t contributed financially in a while.
But I digress. This is not a post about C.’s and my relationship, it is about what is important to me in relationships… So on with the show.
Besides love and respect there are a few things I need from the people who are significant in my life. While I am not overly needy I do need to hear once in a while that I look good, completely unprompted. I need my boyfriend to desire me. I usually have a high sex drive and need a man who is willing to keep up. I say usually because right now, for whatever reason be it meds, C.’s constant rejection of my advances for years or depression, I have practically no desire for sex right now. In fact I have no desire for closeness, well at times I do but, in general I have gotten a lot less affectionate. So maybe I am not totally sure if this is something that is important to me. It is weird, I am really not sure if the sex goddess part of me will ever be awakened again. I am more self-conscious and feel like my sex drive is abnormal and something to be ashamed of since my last two significant relationships have both had intimacy problems revolving around him wanting sex a lot less often than I did. I feel I should add that I am not really a nymphomaniac. Is sex daily or bi-daily really too much to ask for?? I would really like my readers opinion on this. How much physical intimacy is enough??
I am having a hard time with this because I can think of a lot more things I don’t want in my relationship than things that I do. Let’s see…
I would really like if my significant other could intuit some of my moods, but maybe that is asking too much? I would also like someone who could understand what it is like to be in constant pain, someone that could empathize and still push me. But I need to be pushed in the right way. I guess I just want him to make me want to keep trying. But that is silly. I have to want to keep trying myself, no one can give this to me.
Oh, here is something, I want us to have a hobbie we can do together. I want to have hobbies that are all my own, but I also want to have one we can share. This comes out of feeling like I need more hobbies period. I mean I spin and knit, but haven’t done either in a couple of months. Other than that I don’t have to many hobbies. Reading, maybe?
Simmog over at Inside the Life of S (I know, I must have been channelling her when I created this blog!) wrote in her day five post that we are often mirrors in relationships. Go check it out, I think I have arrived at the same conclusion.
I am going to end this here. I obviously don’t know the answer to the question. Like before if I come up with anything more, I will come back and make an update. I know, it is kinda a cop out but I have been writing off and on all day and thinking about it and I can’t come up with a more satisfying answer.