Body & Soul Renewal–Day Five

Discuss what is important in terms of a significant relationship.

loveFirst some background: This question comes from my inability to define what I want and need in a romantic relationship. I am in a four year long one right now but it feels incomplete and I can’t put my finger on what is lacking as I don’t really know what I need from my significant other.  After reading others responses I think I might be approaching this from the wrong angle. I am setting romantic relationships in a separate category when it belongs with the rest of my relationships. Maybe there is something in me that needs to be fixed before I can have a significant relationship that is happy and healthy. Maybe some of the issues I blame on C. are not solely his issues. Don’t get me wrong, I am not letting him off the hook for the last couple of years, he has some big things to make up to me, but maybe I need too much in my broken state. Maybe I put too much pressure on my significant relationships because I am lacking in other relationship areas?

love1But enough with the philosophizing, even if any of the maybes are true, I still need to define what the important aspects of a relationship are to me. So let’s begin.

First and foremost, respect and love are the required base of any relationship I am involved in. I love freely, in that I love everyone in my life. Of course there are different types of love, but nonetheless if you have had a comment from me, you have probably already wormed your way into my heart. But respect is harder. Respect is what lets you get into loud and angry arguments without saying things you will regret or just to hurt the other person. Respect allows you to have a difference of opinions without being critical of or attacking the other person based on their opposing view. Respect is what is needed to work through the differences and compromise. But respect is a two way street. It requires that both parties be involved respectfully. This is one of the issues I am having with C.

love7While we love in abundance, we both need to work on respecting each others space, feelings and thoughts. (Me space, him feelings and thoughts.) C. has a hard time not attacking the person he is talking to especially if you don’t agree with him. He also has this annoying habit of talking at people rather than having a conversation with the other person. He can’t take any criticism even if it is constructive and presented in a way that doesn’t attack him. If I bring up that he still hasn’t gone out to apply for jobs (it is going on three months since he promised he would find one within the month after not having a job for well… it will be two years in August.) he throws in my face that I am not doing this or that. There is resentment on both our parts, but the difference between our resentment is that there are things C. could do to ease my resentment, there is nothing I can do about the fact that I hurt my back and I can’t do anything to make it heal faster. He resents that I have held us back for two years, and I resent that he has held himself back, he not tried to better our situation and he hasn’t contributed financially in a while.

But I digress. This is not a post about C.’s and my relationship, it is about what is important to me in relationships… So on with the show.

love8Besides love and respect there are a few things I need from the people who are significant in my life. While I am not overly needy I do need to hear once in a while that I look good, completely unprompted. I need my boyfriend to desire me. I usually have a high sex drive and need a man who is willing to keep up. I say usually because right now, for whatever reason be it meds, C.’s constant rejection of my advances for years or depression, I have practically no desire for sex right now. In fact I have no desire for closeness, well at times I do but, in general I have gotten a lot less affectionate. So maybe I am not totally sure if this is something that is important to me. It is weird, I am really not sure if the sex goddess part of me will ever be awakened again. I am more self-conscious and feel like my sex drive is abnormal and something to be ashamed of since my last two significant relationships have both had intimacy problems revolving around him wanting sex a lot less often than I did. I feel I should add that I am not really a nymphomaniac. Is sex daily or bi-daily really too much to ask for?? I would really like my readers opinion on this. How much physical intimacy is enough??

love5Okay so to re-cap I have respect, love and physical intimacy on my ‘must’ list so far.

I am having a hard time with this because I can think of a lot more things I don’t want in my relationship than things that I do. Let’s see…

love4I would really like if my significant other could intuit some of my moods, but maybe that is asking too much? I would also like someone who could understand what it is like to be in constant pain, someone that could empathize and still push me. But I need to be pushed in the right way. I guess I just want him to make me want to keep trying. But that is silly. I have to want to keep trying myself, no one can give this to me.

love10Oh, here is something, I want us to have a hobbie we can do together. I want to have hobbies that are all my own, but I also want to have one we can share. This comes out of feeling like I need more hobbies period. I mean I spin and knit, but haven’t done either in a couple of months. Other than that I don’t have to many hobbies. Reading, maybe?

love3You know I just realized something. Everything I am saying I want in a significant other I want to find within myself. Ha. Imagine that.

Simmog over at Inside the Life of S (I know, I must have been channelling her when I created this blog!) wrote in her day five post that we are often mirrors in relationships. Go check it out, I think I have arrived at the same conclusion.

I am going to end this here. I obviously don’t know the answer to the question. Like before if I come up with anything more, I will come back and make an update. I know, it is kinda a cop out but I have been writing off and on all day and thinking about it and I can’t come up with a more satisfying answer.

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9 thoughts on “Body & Soul Renewal–Day Five

  1. Caroline says:

    What you need and want in life is totally your right. None of us are in a position to judge you or say what’s right for you. Only you know that.

    But what I see here is a breakdown in communication and also your partner needing to sort out in his own mind what his values and needs truly are for him. Until he finds that then he will continue to find it difficult to meet yours. You can’t do this for him, he has to do that for himself. If he doesn’t know how then he needs to find someone who’s can help him.

    So rather then hanging around hunting for a career job which meets what he thinks he wants why doesn’t he get any job going to earn himself enough money to pay someone to help him on the next step of the journey of self discovery .

    • S. says:

      Here, Here!! Haha, I know Caroline. I am starting to accept it now too. I guess it took a while for me to really believe that he was and is a big part of the problem. It is not just me that is lost and untethered in this relationship. There is actually some big news on that front that I haven’t been able to commit to screen yet. If I don’t write a post on it in the next day or two I will email you to talk about it. I am still trying to put it all together in my head. Ha, that sounded so cryptic, I assure you it is a good/bad thing, not terrible!
      xoxo – S.

  2. magikdolls says:

    I just read this, and would really like to respond, but I want to do it when I have a decent amount of time to do so which is not possible at work. Hang tight for a response from me later this evening probably right before I send you another email. I really want to give you advice on the things you have asked and stated in this relationship post.
    Oh and by the way its nice to know I have wormed my way into your heart! ❤

    XOXO Sara

    • S. says:

      Whenever you have time. No worries! Is everything okay? You haven’t posted in a day or two? Not in a pressure way… Just are you okay?
      Worried. xoxo – S.
      P.S. Did I say wormed? ew. I have worms in my heart. 😛

      • magikdolls says:

        Haha Yeah ok, but busy and stressed! My sisters driving me up a wall and is about to lose my support completely. Can go more into that later.

        Xo-Sara

  3. simmog says:

    Hello miss S, i have finally managed to catch up with a little blog reading, so firstly sorry for being so tardy with my comment. Relationships are tricky little beasts, the media tell us we find our one true love our soul mates and the happy ever after just well happens.

    The truth of the matter is just like any other aspect of our lives they are work. Somedays you feel like you are doing all the giving and other days not so much. Your questions about the physical side to a relationship is interesting, we measure so much of our lives in terms of numbers, what is average, what is too much, too little. I read a book a few years back about a women who gave her husband sex every day for a year for his fortieth birthday, it’s a fabulous book and a very comical way of looking at this side of our lives. When I remember the name of the book will send you the link. Old age,is catching up with me and the senility is kicking in so the short term memory is a little dodgy at times 🙂

    For my beau and I, we try to focus on what is healthy for us, sometimes that’s let’s go for it like teenagers, other times it’s weeks between drinks. But we always and I repeat always find ways to show each other we love each other every day, he loves to hold my hand in public even now after all these years, and for me that’s speaks more to me than a grumpy quickie scheduled in at the end of a long day, it says I am proud of you and still want others to know you are my girl.

    Trust your instincts and learn what you want in a relationship and never be afraid to ask…

    Am really enjoying reading your posts..x S

    • S. says:

      Simmog!!
      I have meant to get back to you sooo sooo sooo long ago and can’t apologize enough for being a neglectful blogger.

      You inspire me! Really, I hope I am like you when I grow up! 😛
      You are right about the whole frequency thing. I guess I just feel somewhat rejected when he doesn’t want me night after night after night no matter what I try, wear or how I entice. I think that our issues with intimacy have a lot to do with just that, problems with the bigger issue of intimacy in the general sense. I guess I feel more like he is a great friend, but not so good as a lover and boyfriend. I am just more thoughtful and touchy. That doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with him (although at 24 I do think there may be something wrong either with him or me because he can go for six weeks resisting my weekly advances.) but it does mean there is a problem with me and him.
      I am going through a tumultuos time right now. He is leaving in September and I am pretty sure I can’t go because of my back so it will be a real test for both of us.
      Thank you so much for your comment! I love each and every one!
      I hope this finds you well and happy and that you are finding your smile in everyday.
      Best,
      xox – S.

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