Body & Soul Renewal–Day Four

What is the earliest (or most vivid) memory you have as a child?

CHILdhoodThe most vivid memory I have of my childhood is from when I was in kindergarten. While I have always been a social person, and even as a child I had lots of playmates, I also liked being on my own. This memory is the first time I realized that wanting to be alone might not be as normal as I thought it was.

CHILdhood3I remember I used to go to the corner of the play yard at recess and while I sat there I would hum “Away in a Manger” (Yes, even when it wasn’t Christmas, I found the tune soothing.) and fiddle with grass or rocks or whatever was around at the time. I was perfectly happy  being by my self and singing my song. I don’t think I realized it at the time but I tended to isolate myself when I was feeling melancholy.

CHILdhood1I spent many recesses and lunch hours in that corner until one day a girl came up to me and asked snootily “Why do you always sit over here alone? Don’t you know you are supposed to play other kids?”

I remember not knowing what to say but immediately I felt shame. I was ashamed I wanted to spend my recesses alone, I was ashamed that the other children saw me do this and thought it was weird or that something was wrong with me. Because of this one mean little girl I have felt like I need to be around someone all the time. I need company and conversation or I am weird. Interesting to note that although the girl took it upon herself to point out my shortcomings without any encouragement from me, she also wouldn’t let me use her skipping rope with the rest of the girls when I left my corner to ask if I could join because she decided I was weird.

Another incident that is crystal clear in my mind is my kindergarten teacher’s conference. You will need some background to understand this story…

cheezwhizWhen I was a kid I wouldn’t eat any type of sandwiches other than Cheez Whiz on bread cut into four squares. (I was totally particular about the square thing.) Now my mom wasn’t all that good at remembering how I like my sandwiches so it was always cut at random angles rather than in a square. One of the main reasons I wanted my sandwich cut this way is because I always felt like I could eat more of the sandwich overall and therefore not get in trouble for leaving a piece of sandwich and eating some snacks. You see, I have always been a very small eater. To this day I cannot eat more than half of a normal portion and sometimes less. So I would always have left over sandwich…

bread1In kindergarten you aren’t allowed to share lunches or throw any food out so you parents can see what you ate and didn’t eat. Like I said above, I was constantly getting in trouble because I would bring home half of the sandwich and none of the snacks. My mom also decided that I didn’t need my sandwiches cut in four, in half would do.

So… I could only eat one half of a sandwich cut in two. I couldn’t throw out the sandwich at school, I really didn’t want to eat all of it. What is a five year old to do? Well you hide it, of course!

Now in this particular kindergarten class one of the main things the parents do when they come in for teacher interviews is to clean out their child’s desk. So my mom went to work. She pulled out pencils and crayons, garbage and school supplies, finally getting to the back of the cavernous desk only to find…

breadYep. Mouldy green Cheez Whiz sandwich halfs. I don’t remember what happened after, I know there was a lot of tears on my part and that I only got half sandwiches cut in two from that day on.

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12 thoughts on “Body & Soul Renewal–Day Four

  1. Love the post! what great little stories 🙂

  2. oops, hit enter before I was done. I know the stories are sad in a way but they have a little twist. Very clever of you to hide the sandwiches. That way you didn’t have to lie about it. And in the end, you got what you needed.

    I always sat alone until 6th grade and even after that, I still looked for a hidden corner to sit alone every now and then. I treasured my alone time. It was nice not to have to make small talk and just think, or make plans or daydream. And I still do. It’s fun to be alone sometimes

  3. skymunki says:

    this really touched me. i tried to write something… but my words are scrambled. the emotions too many to pin down. you are amazing and express so many feelings many of us feel, and still feel, when we think back on our own past and childhood experiences, wondering why… sometimes i wish too people understood me better, and did not expect me to be different. sometimes i wish i understood myself better, could explain who i was, so people did not wonder why i was so quiet, why my urgent need for privacy, to discover the world on my own terms, made them feel uncomfortable. but as i look back now, as i have come to look at my life then, to embrace that sad girl who felt rejected by the world, the people who did not see beyond the silences, i find that i love her even more now, for who she was and who i have become now because of her. and i do understand only now the fear of others that impressed so deeply on my soul when they expressed their own fear of not understanding, through rejection and blame, which caused such shame on my part. i once blamed them for their ignorance, now i have learned to love them and myself for our innocence. it is not forgiveness that moves us forward, but love; forgiveness still leaves the notion that someone were to blame, when in reality, what we do not understand is not the fault of our perceptions, but the fear to reveal our own insecurities; love itself, sets us free, from blame, from shame, and from holding on to the negative, the darkness that so often overshadows the beauty of who we were and are and will still become. it takes time, but loving ourselves is the first step to loving everything about who we are inside and out. and i have learned, that only when i love that little girl who felt so ashamed, only when i hold her close and tell her she is everything i hoped she would be, can i move on step by step, day by day, to see myself for the beautiful woman i have become. thank you for sharing your memories. you are an inspiration! — Cezanne

  4. simmog says:

    I spent an entire year stashing sandwiches in grade 3…have no idea why? To this day I can’t stand eating sandwiches that have not been freshly made..it constantly amazes me how small things or the word and actions of children in our young lives can have such a big impact on our lives as move into adulthood. Great post miss S x

  5. magikdolls says:

    I really enjoyed reading this post. You literally put me in the time and place you were talking about. Your such an expressive writer, I wish I could hold a candle to that. My writings always seem so dry to me.. I don’t feel like I can actually put someone there and make them feel the feelings I was feeling in that moment. You seem like the type of girl I would have went up to and sat down next to, not expecting a word to be said. I love the fact that you are able to connect current feeling with past ones, it shows how much our past really does effect and hold true to our future. I will tell you one thing, I now have a whole new understanding of my 5 year olds perspective and realize how much my kids probably remember, good and bad. I still have yet to find the time to write you, but last night I spent time with my mom and pregnant sister instead so it was really nice. Me and my sis went on a walk and I bought her a onsie that is black and says “mommies personal assistant” I can’t wait to post a picture of her wearing it. Thanks so much for bringing me back to a good time in life.. innocence and growth. A+ for you!

  6. magikdolls says:

    Keep up the posts I know you can do it! If I can you can!

    XOXO! Sara

    • S. says:

      I’m on it, love! Almost done today’s. It was harder than I thought to write this one!
      Best,
      xoxo – S.
      P.s. Have I told you how much it means to me that you are taking part? You are an awesome person and I am so happy we are getting to know each other.

      • magikdolls says:

        Well you have said that you enjoyed it but thank you so much, I really do appreciate that. You’re blog challenge has already helped me to realize many things about myself. You’re the genius here, creating something so personal for anyone to use and see, truly inspiring. I feel honored to be a part of it and I will be till day 30 and beyond! Thanks for everything!

      • magikdolls says:

        I’m going to email you at this email you gave me
        gettingtheremyway@hotmail.com
        It might take me a while but hey! 🙂

      • S. says:

        Yay! I look forward to your e-mail whenever you get around to it. And, no worries! However long it takes, it’s cool. I understand. 🙂 ❤
        xo – S.

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