I have discussed how I have pulled away from social events and friends and I am starting to realize that maybe it happened more because I felt the need to strengthen and get to know me inside for what I really want and value, without having others opinions and negative emotions sway me. I didn’t and still don’t want to feel shame about the way I live, my depression, my injury or my life in general. That is not to say good advice, or any advice period, isn’t appreciated, it truly is. I appreciate each an every comment and send my thanks to each and every reader, even if this is your first read! Back on topic…
I need to work on myself. As much as I am there for anyone who needs it, I don’t reach out much. I just feel like I have so much to work on that I overwhelm myself. And I tend to over commit… Well not by normal standards, but certainly by recovering-from-spinal-fusion-in-horrendous-pain-all.-the.-time. standards. I have to learn to stand my ground. I have to discover what is important to me. What is best for me? What is that thing that will make me shine from the inside?? Although I haven’t found that spark yet, I did have a(nother) lesson in standing my ground tonight. I am starting to harden my resolve to be unapologetic about things I am sure about in relation to conversing with C.. Not in the insulting way, just in the I respect what you think and feel, but I am not going to change what I think unless there is an argument that make sense to me but I am willing to listen as long as you aren’t yelling at me. (On that note, feel free to give me some ‘tough love’ in anything you have to say. I always want to hear the positive comments <of course!> but I also want to hear the criticism, or the what you don’t agree with. I even want to hear if you think everything is my fault as long as there is something constructive in the criticism. Back to the post…)
C. and I have been bickering all day. Everything had gotten better in the last couple of weeks in the sense that he has been doing more around the house and I felt like he was trying to respect me. But on the other hand he hasn’t even looked for a job yet… Yea… Six months with no income from him and counting. Plus, today was like regressing a month, back to the disrespectful territory when he would always automatically shoot down everything I said from what to have for dinner, to what time to have it at. Tonight I just said, “Whatever for and whenever you want dinner is fine with me.” Of course that is the most horrible thing in the world to say… And of course I had to be pissed off, after all I couldn’t just want to make a meal that we didn’t debate about. (Since sarcasm doesn’t come through as well for me in writing, those last two lines were sarcastic.) He started treating me in that she-is-going-to-explode-so-I-will-treat-her-with-kid-gloves sort of attitude. But I wasn’t even mad, until he started treating me like I was even after I insisted that I wasn’t.
So anyway… The point I was coming to is that he has been doing more, but there is still resentment that he hasn’t even tried to get a job. And even with what he has done, which is not much in all fairness most would still be horrified with how we live. I should clarify everything is messy, not dirty. Interestingly, when C. cleans he always focuses on organization like tackling clutter, or takes a long time to organize one area because he is a bit OCD when it comes to the placement of items which have to be just so. Meanwhile, I believe it is important to organize, but I feel like it is more important to clean. As an example, he will pick up all the books and put them in a pile where they don’t belong somewhere before he wipes the crumbs off the counter. When I clean I put the kitchen I put dishes in the dishwasher, turn it on, wipe down the counter, table and stove, I clean out the fridge and sweep. When he ‘cleans’ he takes everything off the table and puts it on my desk or in a messy pile, puts the dishes in (or on if it is full) the dishwasher but doesn’t turn it on, wipes the table with his hand allowing all the mess to fall on the floor. And… That’s it. No sweeping, no wiping down, just a half assed semblance of clean.
It is unbelievably frustrating that he does so little and wants to be praised for every tiny thing he does. Yep, he actually points out what he has done in the day, and even though it is usually about thirty minutes of work or sometimes it is making dinner, he needs to ask “Have I done well?” or some variation involving what what he has done. Even when I have already said “Thanks for dinner it is great!” or “Wow it looks good in here!” he still looks for more praise. It is beyond annoying.
So there was already tension this evening when we started having a fight discussion about… You know, I am not sure. I think it was about shades of grey within moral issues. I agree there are some black and white issues for everyone but on this particular issue, which I think was, privacy issues and the law, we stood on opposite sides. I think it was generated around online privacy because a lady is suing Facebook for sending her an invitation to join that told her friends she might know, but she had never given Facebook permission to contact her or find out who her friends were. I agree it is kind of creepy but I think it is stupid to sue Facebook when it is probably information she gave elsewhere that was used by Facebook, not collected directly by them by an army of PI’s that follow you around and record your every move. I see it as kind of like spam, if you don’t know the sender or recognize the name just delete the email for cripes sake! I guess I was just flabbergasted that some one would actually sue Facebook for an email.
Oh, it started by him telling me about a new app that can tell you the name and info of girls around you if they have checked in on Foursquare was disabled. Then I read a post on blogher.com about it and was a little irked. (After I commented on the post) And so we started to argue debate. That is what started the stupidest fight, that is surprisingly familiar as we argue about silly things it all.
He argued that privacy is something that can be violated even if you have a public Facebook profile. While I totally agree that the application should never have been made and removed from the app store by the company, I also think that everyone has the responsibility to protect their own personal safety. I think it ultimately lies with the surfer to protect themselves on the internet and that means being smart about the social networking sites you use and how you use them. But this isn’t a rant about online safety, there are tons on the subject that are written more eloquently than I can express here. (See the link to the post above)
Anyway, he just wouldn’t give it up so I went quiet but didn’t give in. I don’t like fighting and I rarely do it. Unless being passive is involving myself?
It doesn’t really matter either way. Whether he is right or wrong he is very forceful in his opinions. As another example, he has taken an obsessive a liking to following politics very closely. Now, I vote and all but to be honest my university degree in Political Science cured me of my delusions that I could make a huge difference. That is not to say a lot of people can’t make change happen, they can. Nor am I saying that one person can’t effect change on numerous individuals. And, yes, it is possible to make a difference if you devote your life to your cause. I will support a cause I really believe in but I don’t find all the issues very relevant to where I am, where we are. We have such a large multitude of things going on in our personal life, we don’t need to borrow from elsewhere. I am not saying don’t have compassion for other people, of course you should help in whatever way you can. However if we are barely treading water financially, emotionally, and psychologically how can he exhaust himself over whether or not someone, granted it is the Prime Minister, lied in parliament and the outcome of an inquiry that is months away. It feels like he borrows stress from social issues to avoid dealing with his personal issues.
Last time I mentioned a job about a week ago he got annoyed and threw at me that he is depressed so no wonder he hasn’t gone to get a job. I was very understanding, kind and empathetic and asked what he wanted to do to fix something, anything. I understand where he is, but I also know that after the immense amount of time he has been wallowing is contributing greatly to his state of mind. He needs to take steps forward. I have been fighting against the rising tide for a couple of years but I have always, always, tried to get better, to take a step, however small, and be better. I haven’t necessarily pushed as hard as I need to to uncover and be the person I want to and will become but I haven’t actually thrown in the proverbial towel. (Speaking of boxing, C. came across a boxing match online and, after reading a wiki article, knew all about it and proceeded to narrate exactly what they were doing wrong and should be doing instead because he is an expert on boxing now. Again, stupid thing to pop up four or five days after the conversation, but indicative of how he talks at me and doesn’t engage me in real conversations. I don’t know how to change that because he seems to have the same reaction to my words as I do to his. Sheer boredom.
I have made clear quite a few times that politics doesn’t interest me and makes me angry and sad and disillusioned and is the last type of influence I need in my life right now, but that I am happy he has found something to be passionate about. Yet even though I have expressed my disinterest and am doing something else, like reading a book, he lectures me about what this minister or that said and then the other guy said that, and really nothing was accomplished because politics here moves so so so slow. Still, he continues to talk at me, not to me, about various political issues and, well, I don’t really care. I know that is mean, or at least dismissive, but I just have no interest in politics up here in the north. Especially every little thing said in parliament. (Yes, he watches the daily question period when parliament is in session.) So I don’t have much to say.
Because he has been absorbed in surfing the net reading various news-y, government screw up things for a few weeks, and then acting like he knows every thing about every thing, I have started almost expecting resistance from him to whatever I say, he knows more than me on every subject, even what it is like to be a girl or how I feel. Me. Not what he thinks I should, feel or do. He argues that I don’t feel WHAT I DO FEEL. So I don’t say much. And he thinks I am angry, but I am just bored and disillusioned with his inability to hear anything other than what furthers his narrative and conforms to view or idea in his head.
Alright, I am sorry… This post is kind of all over the place but I am getting to the point…
I had a bit of an epiphany tonight when we were in the heat of the argument. I said, “There is a fundamental difference between the way we think, see the world and want to live right now. You want to live to better society as a whole, *[some aesthetic scholarly life where you don’t do anything you don’t want to. You seem to seek out things that rile you up the way I avoid them… You live in an idealists world, and while I have many beliefs that could be labeled as idealism, they are tempered with my innate realism. Maybe it is because I have suffered more before us? My well of hope has been tested over and over, my strength built through years of hardship. You came from an upper-middle class family. Your parents financed your schooling and still give you money almost every month without you even asking.]* and I want to live to make me and us happy because you can never make everyone happy but you can give that gift to yourself and you can share it with the people you love.”
Okay, I made it sound a but more poetic in writing then I did in spoken word, and I didn’t say what is between the * at all, but it all went through my head at the time and shortly after. I have never been good at dealing with direct statements of ill intent. I am always amazed that the person said what they did and by the time I get over the shock that someone is so mad at me they would cut me deeper than any insult could it is too late to respond. I am not saying this in an emotionally abusive context, more like he knows where I am fragile and where it will hurt and really only speaks truth. But it still hurts.
Anyway… Gosh this is getting long… I will wrap it up soon! Promise! But it is after 2 A.M.[edit: It is 5:30 A.M. when I finally edit and publish, after sleeping for a couple of hours, waking up and not being able to go back to sleep. URG! 😡 ] and I want to finish this post so I meet an arbitrary (semi-) important goal. [edit: I still feel like I did, even though it is only being published now because it was done before I slept and is just being polished.]
He holds the view that we should know what is going on in politics and the world in general, even though we can’t change anything and it depresses me to hear all that is wrong. And isn’t there so very much?? But there is rightness and happiness too. Right now I want to have personal knowledge, compassion, happiness and acceptance at the root of my discoveries. I have lots of time to catch up on the particulars of what is happening in the world but, in my experience, what I am living ends up being much more memorable than events that effect me in an abstract way. I feel overwhelmed (yet, weirdly, I also feel overly sympathetic or empathetic, so much so it hurts and sometimes I have tears well up for things I can’t do anything to change or help) when I think about all that is wrong with the world and that I have little resources to make it better.
But I can make something better.
I think to start making things better, and to feel better about myself and the world as a whole, I have to start with a solid knowledge of who I am and what I value so I can share that strength and loving compassion with all the people I love, even me. I want to live for me right now, I want to define my values, accept and discover myself and find my happy in life, because I think once I do that I will be more valuable to society as a whole, to those closest to me and to myself.
But I think that will be another post. The point I was making here was how different C. and my views of the world and living in general are. I believe that by making yourself happy you become a better contributor to society as a happy coincidence. He thinks you have to be informed about every little decision that the government makes and that we live in a capitalist society so money drives everything. (Funny he says that but hasn’t worked steadily for almost two years. )
But I digress… I could probably go on forever but that is not fun for anyone.
I am trying to give myself time to blog every day or whenever the urge strikes (I even bring my handy netbook on the bus (Darn you Caroline! < J/K, I hope you know! > I have wanted an iPad forever but… Injury, surgery and an unemployed boyfriend don’t go together very well when you want an expensive toy business accessory.) because it really does make me feel good to get it all out. I have been taking the bus that takes longer, just over 35 min, to get home from physiotherapy and my ride from work is over 40 mins on one bus so, although I have to get up and stretch at it’s time points, I have time to write. Hopefully I keep up this momentum. I feel a tiny itsy-bitsy seed of hope that I am hoping I can nourish.
I hope you are all well, and thanks for getting to the end of this lengthy post. I know it is monstrous…. I am pretty bad at editing. Ha! There is another goal! Write some interesting short blog posts! Hm. Am I excited or anxious? Can I write short posts? Say less than three hundred words? I guess we will see!