February 14th? It Was Just Another Day…

There are people who don’t celebrate Valentines day and are completely okay with it. I respect that, but it doesn’t apply to me, I love celebrating Valentine’s Day! I love that there is a day devoted to love. I feel like it is an opportunity to express how much those you love mean to you. I am not talking about physical manifestations of love, like chocolates and flowers, rather it is the little thoughtful acts and notes that tend to happen around Valentine’s Day that really make the day worth celebrating. However, I also think that thoughtfulness should be an inherent part of a relationship, Valentine’s Day just affords couples a time to appreciate and express  their love for each other.

Ideally, that is!

That didn’t happen for me this year. Financially speaking, we had no money to do anything spectacular but I still managed to buy him a card and some candy. He did nothing for me. No card, no dinner, nothing other than a half assed “Happy Valentine’s Day.” He acknowledge the day so he can’t even say he forgot. Needless to say, this hurt my feelings quite a bit. Not because I wanted or expected some extravagant display, but because I wasn’t important enough to warrant the time it takes to make a card or write a note.

I guess I took it so hard because it is the latest disappointment in a long line of them. Case in point, I have been injured for close to two years and have been living off benefits for the whole time. He finished school in August 2010 and still has no job. He has worked maybe a total of three months since he graduated. I am supporting the two of us off of BENEFITS! Not even my whole salary. At first I didn’t mind. I took a full-time position knowing that he was going to school and I was ok with making things a little easier for both of us while he pursued his post-grad degree., but that agreement ended eighteen months ago.

I feel like I am being used. At this point I am out of the house six days a week going to work, physiotherapy and my psychologist. The resentment is building and I am not sure what to do about it. It irks me when I leave the house at 10AM and return after 2pm and he is sitting in exactly the same position doing pretty much exactly the same thing. He doesn’t even clean the apartment more than I do. In fact just recently we got into a fight about changing the kitchen garbage. I won’t do it because I don’t know how heavy it is and I don’t want to re-injure myself and he threw that in my face when I mentioned him getting a job. For some reason he seems to think that scouring the internet is going to get him a job. He has been doing that for months with nothing. I have tried to convince him to go out with paper resumes and get any part-time position he can, but he  hasn’t.

I am so frustrated with financial struggles, especially when I make good money. I pay all the bills and the rent, I buy all the groceries and, as Valentine’s Day showed, I also have to buy myself presents if I want anything from him. Christmas was pretty much the same. I gave him a list three weeks before Christmas and he waited until the day before we left for his parents to start shopping, and consequently didn’t have anything but socks for me. So I gave him some things so he could wrap things I bought for myself. (We were spending Christmas at his parents and didn’t want to cause any stress. His parents are as fed up with him as I am, as it is to them we have to turn when we are cleaned out. Which happens at the end of every month because my end of the  month check covers rent with $40 to spare, which is not enough to get bus tickets, let alone groceries.)

The saddest part is that I would be better off financially without him. Maybe emotionally as well, as he causes a lot of stress and guilt that I don’t deserve. My psychologist told me a couple of sessions ago that I am enabling his immature behavior and that, while I don’t want to hurt him by ending the relationship, I am hurting him by not forcing him to take responsibility for his choices by keeping the internet and phone on, paying for hydro and keeping a roof over his head.  He has to suffer a bit to be able to help himself.

There are other issues as well, but I sincerely believe that if he could get a job it would remedy this funk he has fallen into and consequently help with some of our issues. I also believe that if he would just man up and start taking responsibility for himself that this relationship can survive, we would still have to work through a lot of other issues, but at least it would feel like he was trying and not taking me for granted. However, on the flip side, I don’t know how much longer I can handle living like this. I don’t know how much longer I can have someone in my life who acts more like a roommate who doesn’t pay any bills than a boyfriend, especially when I want it to be the reverse.

Thanks for making it to the end! Any advice for one who is just about at the end of her rope?

xo – S.

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4 thoughts on “February 14th? It Was Just Another Day…

  1. Caroline says:

    I’m giving this some detailed thought
    Thanks, Caroline. I have replied to your email.
    xoxo – S.

  2. TitaniumBabe says:

    S., you deserve so much better than this. Show yourself some great self-love and move on. Yeah, it’ll be hard. But stress acerbates pain and do you want to live with more in your life?
    Hello TitaniumBabe,
    Thank you. I know you are right with my rational mind, but that emotional part of me keeps saying “if I give a bit more time to find a job maybe he will and everything will be better.” Totally naive, and on the line of self-destructive, but I can’t seem to let go of the guilt of dragging him through this injury with me. I feel like I have been holding him back, but in all honesty he could have done and still do anything he wants. He has been spoiled for two years. So, leaving is definitely something that I am going to explore more, I just don’t think I am ready to take the plunge yet… But maybe we are never ‘ready’.
    Tons of love, Babe. I hope you are recovering nicely from your latest procedure. As an update, I saw my surgeon last Monday and he is saying that I may have a pinched nerve still and a non-union of the fusion. I have to get a CT Scan to see what is going on, but judging by my pain there is still something wrong in my back. So I am taking it easy, that is really all I can do. That and Physio which I still attend religiously.
    I think about you often.
    xoxo – S.

  3. backonmyown says:

    I think you’re “between a rock and a hard place.” I’m not making light of your situation. I just know how difficult it must be. When you’re ready you’ll make the changes that need to be made. Well, I think and hope you will. You need someone who will support you as you try to achieve your goals. If you and he talk about this and can’t work out some sort of compromise, then you have some difficult decisions to make. Remember that regaining your health is #1. Don’t let anyone or anything get in the way of that goal. Good luck, S. I’m sending you positive thoughts. xoxo

  4. Planetnicola says:

    You’re expectations and reality are not the same thing. This is why you feel so frustrated with your life, because they fail to match. 
    I would say anyone who has been with their partner for more than a year and a half – two maximum – is never going to get married. And I presume with you being a romantic at heart  that’s something you’d like to happen.

    You say that you’ve been with this man four years or more. Something that was working for you when you met is not working now and you’re both in very different places. Any future with this man is not going to happen. 

    A man who does not love you is very unlikely to do all the things you want him to.. and why should he? He gets everything he needs from you already. He doesn’t even. have. to. try!
    He won’t change for you no matter how much you nag him.. or urge him to find work. He doesn’t need to. So he won’t.
    The worst thing (or outcome) i can see with you and him is that: he’s going to end up resenting you big time. NOT give you any thanks or show you any love.. especially no little trinkets, gifts, flowers, or tokens of affection. Which you like and what you’ve created in your ideal perfect image in your mind.
    And it’s not all about money because there’s things you can do, romantic gestures, without having any money.. he doesn’t even do these!

    My advice: get rid! 
    If he truly loves, and cares, for you he’ll come back.. hopefully employed.
    If not – he’ll find some other sucker.
    Whatever the case it’s a win-win. 
    You get to find out his true feelings for you, and if he has none you can at least keep all of your benefits for yourself.

    Stop losing sleep over this and kick him out and preferably sooner rather than later. Are you even sure it’s legal to share your home and benefits with him? 

    PS the only time you can barter with a man to get him to do what you want is when there’s sex on the menu.. or atleast an hint of it. If you’re depressed and fed up all the time it gives him very little incentive to bargain with you or to come around to your way of thinking.
    And –  Is it really all his fault? Do you make time for him… do you ever do anything romantic in the bedroom? Is he the one who’s depressed because he’s fed up of your physical limitations. It ALL boils down to the same thing though you need to end it and then find out how he really feels. This is no life for you and you know it. Do yourself and own health a big favour. Dump! It really is that simple and easy. 
    Goodluck x 

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